” My Story ” & Me
Throughout the journey of my writing I had to learn the hard way the following unwritten rule about writing & telling my story authentically in my own voice.
” When You Are Writing The Story Of Your Life, Don’t Let Anyone Else Hold The Pen “
For me taking my life into my own hands and fighting for the very space that I take up – standing strong to my convictions has always been who I am. I take pride in all I do… Often being my only friend. Walking my unpaved journey kicking the ass of me. Strengthened by my resolve and knowledge that I have always stayed true to me.
I never wanted to be known for anything other than a person who is “strong and independent”… but I have come to see that even in my moments of stubbornness, that I too am only human and like a poorly written narrated line, I have had to learn to embrace my weaknesses and learn that even the strongest of people occasionally have a need for a place to lean and when it is that I finally sit and have a solemn moment… I wish no harm for me… I don’t get upset or angry, depression isn’t me… but there may be the odd time when I am simply needing moment to face my life’s written page simply labelled “This Is Who I Am.”
For many in the midst of struggle I have given all that I could. I have not given because I have plenty but I have given because I have enough. I do have strong beliefs in my thinking’s that a moment of human kindness can make a life time of difference. A simple hand of compassion is what I am know it to be.
I have been asked before; why would someone be helping me? I leave them with a single hope that someday they will pay my kindness forward.. who knows I laugh and shyly say .. that someday, that someone could be me.
I have stood up to the bullies who have been caught out beating on others, I have taken away their power, throwing them to the ground. I am a bullies bully and for this I make no apologies. If I have saved one single person from crying a stream of tears, then my job has been un-apologetically done.
I will never understand bullying or the reasons behind the actions of one. Punches hurt and bruises are made but the worst part is that hurting words they remain forever for they etch through a person’s soul, Like a hot blade through butter, robbing the crumbled victim of their right to live in peace.
I have reassured my Children that I will forever be their Mum… drying up their tears, the hours that I will spend doing this I will not question and the lack of sleep I will not care or moan over. As a parent I have done simply what needed to be done. I am there when they need me, & will be standing on the outfield when they don’t. No matter what their problems are, I know that someday in their future, I will see them being the comforter for others.
Within me I have always known that there is always room for self-improvement and even more room for an un-selfish outstretched hand… I will continue to see the needs of others But there is one thing I must learn & that is the gift of self giving, it is up to me to me to learn the hardest lesson Of occasionally saying no ! I am not above anyone but for those who think I am, I care not for the judgment for I am who I am.
My journey has a companion he is a real pain in my ass… he plays with my emotions and adorns me with a funky walk, my feet do their own thing and my hair is thinning out.
My Story is my companion’s name… MS for short. Ms came some years back and has no thought on ever leaving.
As time gone by… We have learnt to co-exist… and if you don’t mind me saying “I put far greater effort into co-existing with him then he does with me” but when all is said and done co-exist we must.
When he wants attention or feels unattended He plays with my feelings; Not the hurt me feelings, but the ones that numb my ability to feel and touch; often rewarding me with a bath from an ice-cold glass of water.
Giving him an identity puts the humour in my Ms diagnosis. He is after all stuck altering my abilities and my job is to keep him on his toes. “My Story” is apart of me, but he has mot changed who I am.
If I could tell “My Story” one thing; that would be to enjoy the ride, that you from time to time may feel you have beaten me but… but I will be forever singing to you… “YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE LAST OF ME.”
My companion “Ms” is always with me, but sometimes he isn’t around. … his absence gives me time to reflect upon my relationships and the how’s and why’s to the ways that I treat others.
I occasionally ruffle the feathers of the people who encircle me. My words can at times be hard-hitting, I’ve been known to be pretty blunt. It isn’t that I don’t care what hurt my words could cause but being tactful isn’t one of my strengths… for those my words have scorned I will apologise to you once again… I have many friendships embedded in my heart; Each one holds a special place & for those who have come and gone I haven’t locked them away.. for even in our disconnection, they will forever mean a lot to me.
Whilst I never mean to hurt people; I always mean what I say. I don’t always choose to share my opinions, I often keep many things to myself… so when I do choose to share what’s bugging me; my reason for doing so… is usually a big reason to me.
I chose so many years ago to turn my sails and make a better me. Often I have questioned the long days that have passed.. and the loneliness I have often felt in my heart… but those feelings always pass with time… and I then begin to realise that had I have stayed on my path that I wouldn’t be the me that I am today.
I cherish so very dearly all those dear to me. It isn’t often i speak of unconditional love… but my dearest friends and loved ones… you crazy wacky bunch; I Love You All So Much.
Here Are at the end… yer !! ha I hear you say For everyone reading this You will see your place in my words. If I haven’t touched your heart personally; What more can I Say but stay true to who you are; you owe it to yourself.
Before I sign off I want to get something clear… When you read about “My Story” & me I hope you were able to see.. the multifaceted person that is simply ” ME ”
Please Do not misunderstand “My Story” for his diagnosis isn’t him… it isn’t truly his fault that he plays rough and tough with me, he has been programmed with a life changing story, loaded with fully functioning symptoms and even more surprises in the levels yet to be come.
The object of me & “My Story” Is to run a untimed gauntlet… to jump through all the hurdles… stacking it from time to time. Incurring painful penalties… For the chore list that we got through today. But nothing could be worse; than the miscommunications between the body & the brain.
There is no gold cup trophy’s Or street lined parades, All that there is left to do is run this bloody gauntlet Listening to our cheer squad Screaming “My Story” Will Not Beat Me…. I
Never Will I Give Up !
For me and “My Story” Strength is the only hope
Each day a little tougher but we sure know how to cope. Taking naps between each lap preparing for what hopes to be a better day tomorrow.
As you can see and read “My Story” my companion… thinks he is the teacher but what he isn’t aware of is that I have come stronger in my mind… I now know that it’s my job to teach him… how to live with me. I am living with “My Story” But “My Story will never get hold of me.
The written quote that I started this blog post with was ” When You Are Writing The Story Of Your Life, Don’t Let Anyone Else Hold The Pen ” I used this quote to tell you that “My Story” may have me running an Ms symptom filled gauntlet but he isn’t holding the pen that’s writing the story of my life & that he will “NEVER HAVE FINAL WORD.”
Author. Tanya Kelly