Day #49 – Layers Of Me

Today’s daily writing is yet another written pictured quote that reflects on me as a person… summing me and my inner character up in a few hundred words… revealing a little about me and the person that I am.

Over the past few months, there has been much revealed about me in my many written daily entries.

Over the years it has been told to me (just as much as it has been talked about) that I am a pretty closed book and keep things about my inner self away from the prying ears and thoughts of others. I have also been told that I choose when and who I want to open to, going onto say that even after I have opened up that no one person truly knows who I am. Yeah well maybe there is some truth in what is written here… but there is always a reason for why I choose there who and what; the answer is simply this… self protection is everything to me, allowing others know to much opens me up to vulnerability and open scrutinisation…. It is true that I choose to keep the deeper parts of myself away from the prying ears and hands of many who have walked through my inner vines.

I do accept that I am very restrictive in what I do and do not share about myself… but in defence of this acknowledgement, I am not restrictive and or secretive by choice… I do very much believe that I do give people the permission to get to know me .. but I feel that if they choose to stay at a distance or at a basic understanding level of who I am… then I will not roll out the red carpet to the inner self of who I am.


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I do see myself as an onion in some ways… My comparison to an onion is this:-
onions.png
My out self is a husk… toughest part of me protecting my inner ingredients from being bruised or spoiled by the hurt and words of other peoples actions.

The layer of me below that husk is a base to every recipe within me, this layer is the staple to knowing me… it offers a glimpse of me just as an onion adds flavour to dishes it’s added to.

This layer protects my inner self.. my inner core and is impossible to get to without undoing all the layers that protect it… if a person was to stab me or cut into me with the pain and hurt… my inner core would be shown… my protector- my husk would spoil the chance to get to know me and I would immediately become spoiled, or un-wanting for you to get to know me.

If I deemed you and your friendship worthy…I would certainly allow you to see me for me… seeing how I work and function and maybe even see me cry… but it takes years or monstrous effort for a person to see the everything that I am… me in my completely open and raw state.

There are very few who have been privileged to know the real me… rawness, flaws, uncovered, unprotected … me for all that I am.

For someone to truly penetrate my inner core… I spend days, weeks, months, years watching every reaction to every moment we share… seeking a fault line in the thing one hates in me… tempting fate with tests of your commitment to keeping yourself at my side… testing trust and sincerity in every word, action and glance that you make.

Once I am hurt or cute beyond repair… aquatinted once friends is the very least that one can expect… but once the hurt goes beyond pushing me to the floor … I always shut down and never again open my doors.

Sometimes a small flinch from another is all it takes for me to shut down… at other times; I try hard to hold on and put value in what myself and the person once had… choosing to stand and fight for the strength to reach out and reconnect… this level of my inner forgiveness seldom happens… but it certainly only happens once. I never forgive again beyond this point.


The song that sums up today’s  daily blog post is “This Is Who I Am – By Vanessa Amorosi. Watch the “This Is Who I am”  Video Clip Here
“This Is Who I Am”

I spend my life, trying to do things right
but all I do is fall to my face with my hands on my head so many times
but then I learnt, after being burnt
to get back up and push straight on
stop the tears people move on, on

Well it’s alright to be myself
now I’ve learnt to stand
well it’s ok to be just who I am
I spent years really hating me
longing to be friends, now I hope that you can understand
This is who I am

Now when life gets tough
I’m quick to hurry up
I run all day, I run through the night
I break down walls, I hit up high
I don’t care if I’m fat, or if you think my clothes are bad
‘cos I can go to sleep at night, I’m a good person and I’ll get by

Well It’s alright to be myself
now I’ve learnt to stand
well it’s ok to be just who I am
I spent years really hating me
longing to be friends, now I hope that you can understand
This is who I am

Are you someone, are you someone, are you someone, someone like me
you deserve, you deserve, you deserve to be free
cause the world will keep spinning, and you’ll be trapped in it

Well it’s alright to be myself
now I’ve learnt to stand
well it’s ok to be just who I am
I’ve spent years really hating me
longing to be friends, now I hope that you can understand
This is who I am


Like Vanessa’s lyrics, I too have spent my life, trying to do things right… taking much on myself.. failing the wants of others… putting my hands on my head so many times… I have learned the hard way & I have been burned too many times to remember….. but I always get back up … dusting myself off and pushing on … being the giving person who is me… resetting myself up .. with no time for tears… walking, stumbling and continue along my hard trekked road.

I have had to learn to be my own backbone

And I have certainly learned what standing alone feels like… learning the lesson many times over & the hard way.

In the strength of standing alone, I have given myself the permission that I need to be ok with who I am, unwavering in my convictions, my morals and my values.

In traveling through my life’s journey I haven’t always seen myself the way that I do today… not necessarily hating myself for my inner strength but certainly not understanding why it is that I did have to become so mentally strong… when it would have been so much easier to throw myself at the floor and scream what did I do? Why me…? What about me?

Longing for friendship with forever connectedness … and an undying unconditional acceptance is where I have forever found myself… I offer this to people who come through my onion gauntlet… undying & unconditional acceptance is the gifts of me that I bring to the table.

Once I have built this connection with another the bond becomes strong and unable to be entered by others… I take my friendships seriously and see them as I do the blood onion2.jpgpumping through my veins… my oxygen driving force.. my lifeline… the ingredient that makes me me – not trapped by my arms wrapped tightly around our friendship.. but impregnated into the everything that I am.

I have learned to accept myself for my onion layers and my brutal strength… I make no apologies… for I am happy with who I am… I don’t ask others to understand me, I prefer that others do nothing more than to understand that we all have ingredients floating within us that come to make us us… I don’t expect them to be anything other than who they are so my only ask of them is that they accept that I am who I am… that they are are who they are… that we are each perfectly imperfect to us.

So there is my daily blog… an insight to me and how I see myself.

Till Tomorrow
Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

6 thoughts on “Day #49 – Layers Of Me

  1. Tanya, I am so glad you are peeling back the layers. I understand what you are saying. There is so much about me that I protect as fiercely as I protect my children and my grandchildren. Even when I get close, I, like you, listen and watch reactions. If someone tells me ‘secrets’ of another, then I am slow to believe they will guard my intimacies. There is a lot I will share, but the deep core of me — very few people ever see. 💕

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I like your analogy. I see that you must feel comfortable with those you choose to view your inner self. I am often not as guarded as I should be. I trust too often too soon, to my detriment. I am glad I have seen some of your layers peel away.
    Gentle hugs,
    Lauren

    Like

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