Almost like a mirrored tile sitting way up there on a dull lit wall, I find myself gazing into a cracked mirrored pane in the wall that appears to be showing me a reflection of the person in my soul, beckoning and yearning my very glance, not wanting me to be afraid of it or even walk on by.
I sit and glare at the cracked mirrored pane for hours it does seem, wondering with curiosity if anyone can see the cracked mirrored image starring back at me. The reflection in the cracked mirrored pane may mirror my every move but to me it appears to look nothing like me.
Curious; I question what, why and whom is this shadowed figure is playing in my mind. I watch for hours till the sun has set and see that the characteristics of the shadowed face can barely now be seen.
Is the shadowed figure lonely, or looking for a place to sleep?
Hours pass and I catch a glimpse of the shadowed figure trapped near the surface of the cracked mirrored pane. No longer is it mirroring me; my actions, behaviours or even my gentle yet curious smile. No longer can I see its glance for it no longer seeks my attention as i stare at it from where i sit.
The shadowed reflection stands directly behind me now brought fourth by lighting shinning down upon the wall.
I can see the shadowed figure but no longer seek the answers to whom and what it is, for I have become aware that i am who is appearing from the cracked mirrored pane. My figureless shadowed face a reflection of my lonely soul. I can see myself so clearly now, so vivid is my reality, that through the cracked mirrored pane the true me is who I see.
The shadow that stands behind me now is the reality of whom I could be, I need not be faceless or unrecognisable by all that pass me by. The lesson that I have learned tonight has been bestowed on me by myself. I have been holding myself back from the reality of the treasured gifts that our world has to offer in abundance. I have been hidden behind my protected walls with only a small glimpse of who is me.
I had yearned for the attention of others to pull me out of my protected self. No passers by saw the real real me, protected and held in safety by my cracked mirrored pane; I became a faceless shadow trapped within my sheltered heart, a deep but not darkened place that sheltered me from being me. Through my shadowed, protective. cracked mirrored pane I have been shown the truth of whom I truly am. I never sensed that no one could ever not be seeing and hearing me. I never felt my disconnection from the world, from the truth that I hid from me. I lived my life (so I thought) just as everyone else was doing, step by step – day by day never questioning how…of why I live this way.
My intentions were to build a wall to aide in building a safe place. My fear of rejection became my hide away, i had imprisoned me. I can see myself now so vividly now and know what I must do! I do not want to be that solemn faceless shadow looking back at me.
I will take down my cracked mirrored pane and replace it with a shelf, rewarding it with my collected treasures; adornments of who I will become . Never never to be forgotten but to be reminded of the person who once lived within. It is time for me to regain myself and to take down my cracked mirrored pane so that my protected, shadowed self can join the reality of us being we.
Now there is and never was a shadowed cracked mirrored pane hiding me away from me. What is left is ME, the very me that I can be unprotected by my cracked mirrored pane, left open to reality without fear of feeling pain. I can see my world so clearly now, embracing it with both hands. I am out from my hearts protective place “my cracked mirrored pane” my journey has begun, I am learning to be me again.
My Cracked Mirrored Pane is a collection of verses into who I had become. I guess I was always very introverted, even when i was very young, preferring the company of the written world.
I could always see who I was, but through the process of my Counselling Diploma I became aware of how ridged in my self reflection & self protection that I had become… I preferred to stay blanketed rather than showing others the real & true me.
People have the ability to gain a draw upon a misconception of people, their thoughts, behaviours, expressions and even the interpretations of another persons stories… it is after all human nature for us to question and build upon our life’s lessons and therefore our transcript into the world that is us.
For me My Cracked Mirrored Pane governs me to who I am.
I was never going to be a conformist to the ways of others wants, I was always going to be an individual and knew that this may lead me to a world where I had to become my own best friend. If I could go back and “do it all again” I don’t for one moment feel that my paths history would change me – for as hard as being so introverted is… loneliness may come and go, and at times knock even louder at the door but in reflection when all is said and done…
What My writing says here is that “I AM CONTENT IN WHO I AM” no matter what others think or feel about m and no matter what the reflection of my cracked mirrored pane may show me.
Author. Tanya Kelly