Day # 81 – “Me The Paradox” – A Writing Exercise On The Opposites That Make Up Me

One of my favourite psychology theorists is Carl Rogers..
he wrote the following quote that I feel sums me and my everything that I am up in a few words of meaningful text. (I came across the pwritten pictured quote when I was studying for my Counselling course & qualifications).
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“She is a paradox.
She is faithful and yet detached.
She is committed and yet relaxed.
She loves everyone, and yet no one.
She is sociable but also a loner.
She is gentle and yet tough.
She is passionate but can also be platonic.
In short, she is predictable in her unpredictability…”

She is faithful and yet detached.
She is committed and yet relaxed.
She loves everyone, and yet no one.
She is sociable but also a loner.
She is gentle and yet tough.
She is passionate but can also be platonic.
In short, she is predictable in her unpredictability…”

Author – Unknown


In my day-to-day life I work hard to there for others where I humanly can be… offering up my time and self to help when and where I am needed, but what others cannot see in me is the paradox that lives deep within.. the very part of me that I hold back from the eyes of others.

I feel that I work hard in my personality to be the very person that I need to be for the people around me to see me as loving, giving and worthy of feeling safe around… but there is a huge part of me that lays safe in my own depths secretly hidden away from others and their emotional woes. I always have a small percentage of myself hidden and held in reserve for the days where I need to have a certain pick me up / a reserve for the bad days where my energy and emotional state needs to be nurtured. The very person that I am on the outside… the person that I portray myself to be; in the eyes of others is so very self-assured a stable, yet flexible in her own abilities… but deep down I am a scared and uncertain version of myself that is paranoid by failure and being seen by as anything other than being committed to being the best that I can be… I do not seek or promote that I am perfect.. and I truly do not wish to be perfect… but for me being told that I am far lesser of a person than actually am is the most heart-rending emotional attack that could ever be projected at myself.

The exhaustive reflective self that I am at the end of the day is so very harsh on herself… I am not negative towards myself… but it is so very difficult to see the positive self in the world where I am at most times of every event or happening that encircles my life.

How am I a paradox of myself…?
well I in myself feel that I am the total opposite of my outer self… I give my all at all times, striving hard to make the life of others around me meaningful and worthy of being remembered and treasured…
Yet the paradox of this is I struggle hard to understand why I give what I do, why I feel that others deserve what I figure them to be the worthy receivers of…
I to many people seem to be the extrovert,
the person who makes the decisions and brings everyone together
but the paradox of this side of me is that I am naturally quiet and a person who would rather keep to herself rather than being in the forefront of everything…
I am in most cases the giver of much and at times far more of a giver then I should be…

but there is a part of me that is left standing like a child with empty hands … I have to be my own giver in most instances of my life and struggle hard to see the many people being given to me before I am even considered.

I hate feeling lost in where I fit in, I hate feeling that I see my necessary need for me to be in this family and in the lives of others around me… but I certainly see a huge degree of disconnectedness in the environments that I exist in.

To others, I show that I am emotionally together..
that I have the 3 children, the husband the house (life’s ideals that everyone wants)…
& to me I just get so frustrated that people feel that they can tell via their words that I am unworthy of receiving my life’s treasures …
I in most occurrences of people telling me of how lucky I am for having all that I have just want to scream at them telling them how friggin rude they are being… going further into telling them that they hypocritical and judgemental of the life that their ignorance steers them away from….
but true to form my paradoxical self-kicks in and without much more than” its all been hard work, long hours and much rewards” muttered under my breath I just let it be…

There is s huge paradox In myself that many people take for granted and that is my attitude paradox. The person is stuck between the good and bad attitude that I do possess … even in my “angel – devil self” I can switch between having the attitude and have it come in and out of it being hidden at any one time…
I am very much in control of my attitude and for my paradoxical attitude it always exists but I am only ever able to control the degree of how far I go in the deliverance of my attitude and how far I am willing to go when I need to bring it out..

So in my daily write, my quoted statement is
“She is a paradox. She is faithful and yet detached. She is committed and yet relaxed. She loves everyone, and yet no one. She is sociable but also a loner. She is gentle and yet tough. She is passionate but can also be platonic. In short, she is predictable in her unpredictability…”


” Here Is What I Mean When I Say That I Am A Paradox Of Myself “

I am the opposite of who I am and how I am perceived by others…

I can hold myself well in both roles but I am more comfortable being the me that I hide from others but being an extrovert at times just happens to get shit done.

She is faithful – yet detached Well, I am indeed very faithfully involved in my marriage and put his needs way ahead of my own… I give so much to many people and push hard for my own self-made family to see the worth and need of others also. I see the greatness in people but can very much see the worst in them also… What makes these two a paradox is that although I seemingly connect with people I work very hard to not allow people to never get to close to me, never get to know the real me… I keep many people at arms distance and allow very few in. Self-preservation or self-security maybe but it is just my preference, my path, my way, this is the detached part of me.

She is committed yet relaxed…
this statement doesn’t resonate with me much … but if I had to say something here it would be that I am always committed to doing my best for anyone at any time – but struggle hard to fulfil the commitment that I should show to making myself happy… I always put the needs of others first .. and more often than not leave myself behind in the race… I can honestly say as for the relaxed part of this quote… that I am far too highly strung to be relaxed… my mind doesn’t allow inner relaxation to filter through too often.

She loves everyone.. yet no one… I certainly yearn to have people around me… and absolutely adore many things about many people.. in my giving, I have been hurt so often and when asked if I can forgive I often respond with yes I can but I shall never forget and certainly can never place myself into the same group of people again. I keep these people close enough to know what they are up to but not close enough to be friends with them. Once bitten twice shy kind of thing. I love the friendships that I have and treasure them with all that I can am but rarely allow myself the putting myself and my feelings on the line to make the friendships that my heart yearns for. I prefer my small circle of friendships as I know what to expect from them.

She is sociable but also a loner… mmm so very me!! ….. happy to play my part in social groups and meetings with others but will not seek to make friends with others just because I can…If you will I rather not put myself on the line to fill myself and my world with friendships that may or may not be truthful and honest in their giving.

She is gentle yet tough…. often gave a been called a hard-headed person… tough against people who have downtrodden my world and my path… tough in the fact that I don’t take shit from many people ( obvious to me that I take more shit from people then I allow myself to admit to) but the paradox of me being seen as tough and hard-headed is that I am such a giver to everyone around me… I treasure people more than people know and see.

She is passionate yet can be platonic… very much me us this paradox… I hate to admit it that I have built my world around my husband and hate that I am so deeply attached to him that he is the existence that I breathe… I have never allowed myself 100% connectedness to one person as I have with Steve …. there are in many other friendships that I have with other people have a huge degree of separation from the people around me… that even though it seems that we are friends to them… I see them as people I know… people who I occasionally associate with but have no deep connections with them. I keep them at arm’s length and see them when it suits me… but the feeling makes  no difference to me or our friendship.

I am So.. “predictable in my unpredictability” In a nutshell people think that they have me, my thoughts, my emotions worked out in their own minds and understandings… and this can in most instances be far from the truth… my walls… my thoughts, my feelings, my behaviours are very unpredictable in the understandings of the many people around me or by the very people who claim that they know me.

So here it is… my thoughts on my Paradoxical Self and my submission of today’s. Tomorrow I am sure another curtain to me and my inner self will open up and show the raw deep inner vulnerability’s that make up me.


There Is todays daily write; a writing exercise that explores the oposites that make up me.
“Me The Paradox”

My paradox’s are not made up versions of myself & they are most definantly not lies; they are snippets of myself that leaves my vulerbility hidden deep within but leaves room for the reveal of who it is that I am to come out and be seen once comfort and security with others is sought and found. I am at all times truthful to the people that I meet, I just hold my heart of cards close to my chest.

Interesting Perspectives Of Myself Hey!

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

2 thoughts on “Day # 81 – “Me The Paradox” – A Writing Exercise On The Opposites That Make Up Me

  1. You are definitely a wonderful woman who does not fit into any box, no matter how pretty it is. I think what I see most as change is that you are starting to try and not let people take advantage of you. You are so strong and people see that as an opportunity to treat you different than what you deserve.
    Love ya,
    Lauren

    Liked by 1 person

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