In a passing conversation that I have had with two others not only today but also with the past few weeks I have been asked to surface and show that I am ok…. they know that I am not completely without connection or words of ok…. but they also know that something within my few answered words just isn’t right.
What can I say?… I say nothing … I have no words to say; I do not speak a word in reply I bow my head and sigh… they know that daily writing are the very things that get e through my days… but it has a very long few weeks where no words have been written, no words have been shared… and even fewer conversations that normal are had…. they tell me with one caring strong arm to take all the time that I need; my some time for rest and time to rebuild one’s self… but all that I can hear in a far off distance is them screaming my name…
my silence isn’t golden to their caring hearts… I miss them with all that I am and have burning inside…. but how can I re-join them and the life outside my own bubble when all that I feel is being gestured is a hand that once lent a hand? I want to tell them that I need to back… I want to tell them that I can see how far I have wondered and fallen away… but more than anything I want them to hear the message that I do not verbally speak but instead speak with my eyes…. that I am trapped in a darkness that shares a light when it wants to… a room with no floor, no walls and no celling… I am in outer space with no tethered line… and uncertainty of where my feet need to find the ground that re-earths me.
If I could convey one message to them right now it would be that “I know that I am brave enough to find the courage to find me in disconnection that I feel… I want them to know
that the burden of a spine that has been built on strength can only withstand so much when the wolf is continuously at its core but more importantly I want them to know that there is a reason for why some people are given a place at the table of another’s life… and the reason for why they are here they will find in the mirrors that shine their reflection… they are the sincerity and the honesty that my heart loves to hear and they are the strength that has become the very thing that we all rely on.
Dearest friends; if only I could float to you my noted page… upon its inked and worded page you will both find a worded song that sings worded verse they convey gratitude and thanks… you both know that there are no words that need to be said but I hope that you can both see and understand that there has been no one real reason for why I have stepped away… I just needed to “I hope that you understand.” I had to give myself the permission to take a few weeks of leave… I have been strong for so long… I know this you do see… but I had to give myself the permission that I have been needing to sit still in my silence.
You both asked me for a few words… short and sweet… and I gift you with the heartfelt words of thanks for the unsaid words that whisper to me that you both care… I don’t question this for I know that your words are true… I won’t stay away for much longer… I am the rebuilding me one day at a time… this rejuvenation time of one’s self is almost complete I will be signing name again shortly… reinvented, rejuvenated and soring to my heights in the me that I am becoming…”Prevalere Phenix” – the journey of me finding I in a world where I am known as I…. where stories of overcoming life’s struggles and hurdles will unveil a survivor who has been built up by all that she has been through.”
I thank you both from the bottom of my heart for being the gift that you have been… delivered over ocean, through nodes and connections of time… knowing that you are both their struggling, growing and enjoying the journey of your own days is all the encouragement that I need to bring me back to the space that we all find much comfort in the silence of our unspoken words.
I hear you and I have never not done so… understand that I needed this time to give me strength and permission to give myself a place at my own table.
In part todays writing is a letter to my online friends… the people that have become the strength that we all take turns in leaning on…I have been gone and disconnected for some time now… I know that I must return to where my mind and writing heart are happiest. Beside them and with… giving them the very time that I have ask for in letting to sit still in silence.
This note is love towards your understand and comforting words of we miss we… You both know who you are.
The M.I.A 3rd Side Of The Triangle