” Me… I’m The Empty Cup “

It seems that I am learning the hard way about how much of myself I not only extended to others but also how much of myself I actually poor out & into my hands, the volumes of me that I feel that I have plenty to give.

img_4252.jpgI wonder have I crossed the line my inner tummy grumbles yell at me and are always  reminding me to listen to that I am at the drought filled stages of all that do for others….? will I learn my lesson before I feel the full force of having emptied myself to far…?
The answers to both these questions are …. (no surprise) … most probably not.

But I am aware that I am feeling a little empty and a hell of a lot tired… awareness is half the battle won… the other half of that battle comes from falling back & giving time to regroup…

I have been working on a lot of self-care writings in my journal and have taken up meditation (only getting in a few moments through out the day at this point) but I am reconfiguring my weekend schedule so that I can give me the time that I need to replenish my low level half filled cup.

“When you take time to replenish your spirit, it allows you to serve others from the overflow. You cannot serve from an empty vessel.”

I have had to learn the hard way that I am the vessel and that I am carry the weighted needs and wants of many in my already low levelled cup… & that if I want to continue to be the everything that I am to and for the people I serve, that I must be the spring in my own brook… it’s time to stop & revive so that I can survive the self built hurricane in my life.

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly

365daysomethings.wordpress.com

“…Stop Long Enough”

I was commended today for the courage and strength & support for others that I process but rarely claim ownership of… I was told to stop being so hard on myself, give myself a break and for once stop long enough in my controlling of things and give myself the chance to see the strength in those that I give my love, heart, trust, loyalty & protection to.

Before I had a chance to open my mouth and put my opinion across to what was brutal honesty being spoken to me out of love and concern… I heard the words “now don’t get your back up… I only said what I said because I give a damn… & once when I needed this pep talk not only did you deliver it to me… but you were a hell of a lot more direct and you didn’t even apologise !!”

I smiled like I have never smiled before… because I knew that the person who was grinning like a cheshire cat … laughing because they finally got a spoonful of my own medicine into the deliverance of a sentence… was right !!

I laughed and said wipe that smirk off your face… “this roll reversal will not last forever.”

It seems that the universe is delivering me messages bothe verbal and symbolic that are telling me to stop and be present in my here & now.

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

“So Many Lessons” – March 12th Journal Entry

Here is a write up that I wrote in my personal journal dated March 12th, 2019 – Titled “So Many Lessons” I thought that I would share it as it can help you, my readers, to understand why it is that I had to take a few days off from my writing and spend those days in self-care mode…. some of my thinkings are full of honesty.. some play around with mixed messages and meanings & then there is the diary entry that flows onto my March 12th journal page the truthfulness that I harbour deep within me… but truthfulness that is rarely show.

It is only early March of 2019 & yet I feel that there has already been an influx of ahhh haaa moments being thrown and thrust into my life, my world and the environment that I am treading water in.

There was an occasion this past month when a written pictured quote found its way to my desk and writing mind… there have been a few of these moments actually that have occurred throughout not only in this past month but also over the past few months…

Maybe the universe is trying to get my attention, maybe there is a lesson in the writings that find me and my thoughts on a day to day basis.

I write today about the following symbolic worded verse:- “The hardest pill I had to swallow this year is learning how to pick myself back up and cope without the people who I thought would be in my life for a long time. I had to realise that you have to do shit for yourself because the only person that will put you back on your two feet is you.”

Hmm for me the I was initially scared and afraid of what my future without my thought to have… supporting and loving support system was a path and a future that I ignored and refused to see.

The very thought of going through life and the varying degrees of my Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis ailments and inabilities scared the absolute bejesus out of me… I was so scared and I cried a great deal; not to or with others but so very heavily when I found myself in my alone time…

The more I cried the harder my understanding of what was happening to me and I began to wonder where I sat on the care factor meter of those around me… I initially struggled so hard and the more I struggled the more I looked for the arms of comfort of those around me… I can’t sit and put an understanding of why I feel that others seemed as though they were distant and or distancing themselves from me… but there is my speculation of why this was happening even if it was and still is in my mind… whatever their reasons I do strongly believe it has a lot to do with medical diagnosis of Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis… secondly I feel that the people around me are struggling to see their lives without me… or at the very least… they have not come to terms with what is going on and are preferring to live in their not informed and educated bubble.

I often get told how strong people think that I am… often I am asked why I feel that I have to be who it is that I am… when asked what is meant by this question I get told “why do you have to be so strong? Why do you have to live as though there is no one other than myself in my world? Why can’t and won’t I let people into the ins and out of what I am going through? Well, I have asked myself these same questions…

I for so long have hated on myself for so long and I have begged myself to find an answer or 3, to build a resolution for what I in my mind find that I am struggling with… but there was a point in my life when I gathered my thoughts and the thoughts of the many voices around me and simply threw them off the tactical side of my life’s sparring mat and said to myself out loud in a voice that was full of moments of self actualisation and self realisation that “I have to be my own worlds inhabitant.. the person that I could not only rely on but would guarantee that I would be present in my own life’s here and now… standing open hearted, open minded to an unknown reality that was with the utmost certainty starting to engulf my life as I knew and am now knowing living today.

I knew in these moments and in the days to follow that I had realised that I was the only person that I could fully rely on… so many people have told me over the 5 years since my “actual date of my Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis diagnosis “ that my stubbornness & my struggles and well defined inner strengths are going to be the weakness that see’s me and my heavy load crumbled to the ground….

There is a big part of me that knows that these voices are speaking the truth… I know oh to well of the existence of the walls that I have built up around me… These walls I myself know are built out of sheer determination to ignore the ignorance’s and uneducated thoughts of those around me… the cement that holds my walled in structure together is a mix of the many years of seeing the true intentions of others in the accountable moments that they chose to ignore… maybe ignore is the wrong world… but I did get tired of watching and hearing the distance and disassociation of those around me… I learned the hard way to see that the only hand that was going to raise me the grips of my Multiple Sclerosis mooed diagnosis was me…

What I wanted and what I have always wanted from those around me was and still is the guarantee of the fight to keep me healthy wouldn’t be my life’s walk .. alone and left wondering where my life would be taking me.

I gathered information and tried with all my might to help educate not only those around me… but I too wanted to read all that I could to educate myself… I needed to know what plan my body was signing itself up for.

I tried and I tried and I tried to give myself the community of support that I knew I would eventually need… I wanted to scream and I wanted to yell… and I tried with all that was in me to open the floodgates to my vulnerability’s… there I was in the early days of my diagnosis alone in a room full of people… not even my tears would give me the right to have a moment.

“If a single person is surrounded by other people, especially in a social situation such as a party, you can realize that you don’t have a real connection with any of these people. When you are alone, you are not confronted with the superficiality of your relationships. But when you are in a room full of your friends, you can suddenly realize, “I don’t actually like these people. I have nothing in common with them. They don’t really KNOW me, who I am. Why do they seem happy while I’m miserable?” You can discover, unhappily, that you’ve outgrown your social circle which can make you feel isolated and disconnected.”

I didn’t just say that I dislike my community or the people around me… what I did say is that I dislike seeing the connection that I have with, and for them.

“I think it’s better to feel content alone… If you’re content, you are closer to happiness than feeling alone in a crowd. Being alone and empowered is far better than being in a crowd and feeling lonely and sad…

I am most definitely not sad lost or depressed… the very descriptive words that I have heard since my ppms diagnosis… over and over again. I have just learned other ways to cope and other ways to fulfil my day daily journey and the daily symptoms that plague my walk and direction.

“I often find myself alone in a room… alone with myself, my computer and my thoughts. My mind is always bustling with thoughts, possibilities, questions and curiosity whether or not I’m with people. I always wonder what other people think or like other people’s perspective on things; I think it’s awesome to get a glimpse into someone’s mind and see alternate points of view. Many of these moments there are actually living and breathing people in this same room… why do I then see myself as being alone??? Well, when I look up I see nothing other than their eyes in my diagnosis; them taking on a role within my existence where they spend their moments wishing that it wasn’t my life’s reality to have my body living with “My Story” at the helm.

I give a lot of credit to those around me for the thoughts and disbelief of my life now being in the hands of my ppms diagnosis but I want more than anything for them to see me minus the world that they font truly see or know.

Imagine sitting in a crowded lunchroom by yourself. Hundreds of conversations are taking place, yet not a single one included you… I know that my community members are concerned and scared for what my tomorrow’s will actually bring to my now wavering but still strong well-footed foundations… but I long for them to see me.. just me… nothing and no diagnosis that describes my life’s here and now.

The deafening silence can bring a person on the brink of insanity. I spend hours hoping that I won’t have to endure this anymore, or even for much longer but a part of me knows that’s this deafening silence can be cruel, and being different in the eyes of others can be a death sentence when those very people sometimes unknowingly fail to see me for who I am, the me without the Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis diagnosis.

For these reasons when I am alone; I can ignore the images, the sounds and the disconnections of others and I have probably learned way to well the skill of distracting myself with my daily workload, my writing, my blogging, music and even reading. Being alone is where I am most comfortable, and probably the most self-aware… I learned the art of convincing myself that loneliness doesn’t matter … but deep within my way down into the burrows of deeply hidden soul, I know that the way I feel does truly and deeply matter to me.

It’s a lonely world living out the day to day comings and goings of my unpaved road… something to be said for a life being lived in weakened moments of loneliness… but never in the path of a life having room for boredom.

So in the wrapping up this daily write; I will say this “Solitude is a highly judged area. Society lays down a lot of rules here — there are definite rights and wrongs on how much time you should spend on your own. And people don’t hesitate to lecture you on what those rules are if you are caught enjoying a bit of peace and quiet. If you’re not careful, you can find yourself being dragged into a social situation against your will and for your own good.

It wouldn’t matter so much if it didn’t come with the risk of being characterised. A loner is ‘sad’. A recluse is a ‘billy-no-mates.”… I not a loner I just like my alone time… I can think, I can write, I can be productive… and I can find my solace in my many daily writings… I don’t feel “all be”.. I just see my aloneness in my Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis diagnosis… alone but no afraid… living moments of my day in solitude… and many more in the company of “My Story “… I only wish that I didn’t feel the disconnection of those around me purely because it would be easier for me to tell them that I am not the person who is struggling with what is my now ppms life.


Thank you for reading my March 12th very personal journal page… it may be honest and very raw but it is for a big step in learning to shed some light on the vulnerability that I work so hard at hiding…

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

“Relationship’s Matter”

Quote

relationshipsmatter1.png
Not everyone gets the same version of me

One person may tell you
That I am an amazing beautiful soul.
Another person may tell you
That I am cold hearted.
Believe them both
For I act accordingly.


I am not 100% certain of where I found the above written quote, I copied it down into my notebook without referencing where it came from (so not like me) but where ever it cane from; it comes with a message that is truly unique to our individual needs. I have since found this written quote on TheMindsJournal website…

What this written quote says about me is that I am not the same person to everyone… that there is a small part of me that is able to exist in a whole different personality then the one that others usually meet & see.

This by no means doesn’t mean that I am not being my true self at all times… it simply means that some people have a way of ruffling my feathers and the nice, happy, kind and the do anything for anyone side of me gets tired of being pushed to the ground… the result of this usually results in my personality altering itself and its perceptions of people… a fight and flight mode erupts in me and I end up choosing that done people are just not the people that I want in my circle or around me for any reason.

If I had to choose a symbol that represents my friendships and relationships that I set to make or have made with others it would be that of an onion… there are many layers to an onion and just like an onion there are many layers to being known as a friend to me… I admit that I may not be as accepting or as open to making friends as some other people maybe… I make no apologies for my own selves self preservation mode that always has my back…

Being friends with someone is a very personal adventure… I take on all my friendships and or relationships in a very personal manner… it may take me sometime to make trusting and long lasting relationships with others but once I have I hold onto them for life.

There is no sugar coating how it is that I feel for others and there certainly is no time for glazing over the responsibilities that my inner self has in keeping me from the making connections with people that in the long run do not serve the needs of not only myself but also the person/s on the other end.

As  written by Mark Manson in his post titled “Every Successful Relationship Is Successful For The Same Exact Reasons”
(copied & written both in and out of context of Mark’s wording)

Communication, no matter how open, transparent and disciplined, will always break down at some point. Conflicts are ultimately unavoidable, and feelings will always be hurt. The only thing that can save a relationship & or friendship is unerring respect for one another… thus is the case for any relationship… relationship or another status of connection.

Without that bedrock of respect underneath you, you will doubt each other’s intentions. You will judge their choices and encroach on their independence. You will feel the need to hide things from one another for fear of criticism. And this is when the cracks in the edifice begin to appear.
relationshipsmatter.png

I consider myself to choosy no picky when it comes to making friends… I believe that some people were meant to cross paths… some people were meant to come into our lives… they start off as strangers and end up becoming our world, our tribe, our people and others are just bridges in the journey of our life they are a means to an end… a pathway to our next adventure and or destination… I maybe choosy in what relationships & connections that I to form with others, but this is because I respect myself enough to hold on long enough to have the people around me that work within my needs and scope of things to fulfil me and moral standings.

I admittedly always enter a relationship with trepidation, I try so very hard to leave my need for interaction and connection at the door of the opening to my soul… I am probably to much in the know of what my soul needs in a friendship and or a relationship and this is where I personally falter…  I always walk quietly and silently, sitting in on conversations friedships101.gif
where I quietly sit listen & observe the interactions and conversations of those in the room…

Then there comes a time when I feel comfortable enough to move on into the  building blocks of my connections & I am ever so aware that I am guilty of putting myself online in the hope that my wants and needs of and for a relationship are met… I am also guilty of being so bloody honest (both a blessing and a curse)… I often tell people of my expectations, my wants and my needs “in face value; I can see how this can be seen as intimidating and in your face.” I with most probability come across as being to head strong, to wanting… and I am most definitely guilty of carrying a check sheet of what I want in my connections with others… guilty guilty guilty !

In the end what friendships, relationships and those momentary connections do for us is that they give us different perspectives and chances to learn difference and tolerances that teach us how we want to be treated and how we when all is said and done go through our lives treating others.

Simply putting it… Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there. They are meant to serve some sort of purpose, to teach you a lesson, or to help you figure out who you are and who you want to become & on the other side of the flipped coin we often know within ourselves who isn’t meant to be in our lives… sometimes we convince ourselves that someone is meant to be there when they actually serve no purpose at all… sometimes out of guilt, pity or reluctance to move on we keep what is known and comfortable to us out of fear of change or the fear of the unknown. Every person has something to teach us… whether a person stays in our lives for an hour, a day or 10 years.. they are the right amount of time for you. Simply all relationships & friendships have a life span… time us the only unknown factor to expiration date of those we connect & relate to. 

Time is a perspective of numbers… & people are with us for as little time or as long of a time that our inner selves learn the lessons that they come bundled with.


“If you find yourself in my friendship circle then you have proven to me that you come with the same things that I need and want in my own life… & you have also proven that you are friendships.jpg
in for the long haul or that you come with the lessons that will guide us both to where we need to be. I never come into any of my connections with others in a one way circle… I give a lot of myself in my willingness to learn & be taught how I want to e treated and in how others wish to be treated in return.

Friendships & relationships are not just a destination for me… I always cone on board the friendship & relationship train with long jeopardy in my heart, mind & soul… I don’t expect the same level of connection from those around me… but I hope that other people understand that when I no longer feel that my friendship and relationship status is being served; that it is then that I must move on…

As  written by Mark Manson in his post titled “Every Successful Relationship Is Successful For The Same Exact Reasons” 

Shitty, co-dependent relationships have an inherent stability because you’re both locked in an implicit bargain to tolerate the other person’s bad behaviour because they’re tolerating yours, and neither of you wants to be alone. On the surface, it seems like “compromising in relationships because that’s what people do,” but the reality is that resentments build up, and both parties become the other person’s emotional hostage -Author Karen-

For many of us, our friends are an extended family — and family can be hard work. But I think it’s worth remembering that we have as much control over the people we socialize with as the people we date, and thinking of each individual friendship as its own love story can help us evaluate our own needs and behaviours. That might entail discovering friendships that have passed their expiration date, but it can also mean renewing our appreciation and affection for the ones that haven’t.

“Friendship is everything. Friendship is more than talent. It is more than the government. It is almost the equal of family.- Don Corleone”

Who ever said that making friendships, relationship & connections with others was easy… certainly hasn’t been through the mill of connectedness and bust ups with others. In the end what matters is how we serve our own personal and interpersonal needs and how we hold ourselves both morally and judgementally in all that we seek to gain and receive from others. 

“The fact is relationships are imperfect, messy affairs. And it’s for the simple reason that they’re comprised of imperfect, messy people—people who want different things at different times. Mark Manson in his post titled “Every Successful Relationship Is Successful For The imagesT6NC2FVG
Same Exact Reasons”
 

When all is said & done relationships, friendship and connectedness with others are hard work but they are also worth the time in putting your best self and efforts into building & maintaining their fragile inner and outer cores.

Friendships, Relationships & Connections are all about Nature & Nurture. Nature is learning the skills & art of maintaining a Friendship, A Relationships or Connections with others… & Nature is harnessing the gits that our Friendships, Relationships & Connections give us, giving us time to grow and change in our wants and expectations of others as time passes by in our relationships with others.”


Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

“Re-Reading My Own Chapters”

Video

As I wrote in an earlier blog post of this week; my last few weeks have had my tied up in a few inner and 3rd party struggles that had me feeling very overwhelmed. As the days went by and my usual happy self chose day after day to not show up, I began to question myself and overall state of mind.

I have struggled before but something was different on this occasion… being told that I was quite possibly in a rut… tiring myself out for reasons only known to me just fueled the fire that had me on the back foot of my own calmness… looking at my own self from a far for the moment of peace that I usually found in the hours that I usually sat down and wrote for… but as the days went on; even my daily writings failed to the peaceful place that I exist in when I write.

Staying in my RUT or BAD MOOD … call it what ever you will… it came clear to me that the only thing that could do any good for me was to allow the time to pass all on its own… it was time to let go of my own selves expectations and let the days hours pass and let my schedule go with them…

Then as quickly as I let go of my inner struggles and that schedule that had me overwhelmed and seeking a quiet & solace place for my thoughts to write… I knew that I had to take a break from my writing also, purely because I was putting a lot of energy, energy that I didn’t have to keep up with my many daily writings.

What snapped me out of my own inwardness was a combination of things… some I have just this week written about in my blog, but the following write up that came across my desk helped me to find my footing and my minds solace and my writing voice.

This post meme written by E.V. Rogina Agathokakological – an author for TheMindsJounal.

The written verse in the meme read like this: –

I am still learning
how to go back & reread
my own chapters
without feeling like I
want to set all of my pages
on fire.

I knew that I had to give my mind & body their space to reboot and regain their mindfulness & will to return to life’s grind stone, something came over me & I became trusting of the unknown… I knew that I would soon be ok and that my pen & it’s ink would soon enough to fill my page.


“Mindfulness is the aware, balanced acceptance of the present experience. It isn’t more complicated than that. It is opening to or receiving the present moment, pleasant or unpleasant, just as it is, without clinging to it or rejecting it. Author – Sylvia Boorstein”


I am so glad that the last few weeks and the overwhelming feelings that have encircled them have now passed… I am feeling contented in my own mind & body… my soul is again at peace… & of course; here I am back at my desk attending to my daily writings.

SignedAuthor. Tanya Kelly

365daysomethings.wordpress.com

“My Uitwaaien Time Out”

As with all languages, there are certain common Dutch words and phrases that simply don’t translate into English. Many of these linguistic curiosities beautifully capture specifibreaktime.jpgc aspects of Dutch culture, whilst others resonate with English speakers despite their cryptic nature.

Today’s daily write is about a word that describes why I haven’t been keeping up with my daily blogging posts and daily writings for the last few days and or weeks.

We writers tend to live in our heads and its necessary for us to step outside and enjoy the sunshine more than every once in a while. Shaking up your routine can sometimes, inadvertently, lead to you generating some of your best material”
~ Mitchell Martin Jnr ~

The word that I am dedicating today’s daily writing to is UITWAAIEN –
Pronunciation l aut-vwl-en (OUT-vwy-ehn) & the origin of this descriptive word is Dutch.

Uitwaaien is a verb, and it is an “untranslatable” Dutch word with no perfect or equivalent English translation. It is pronounced something like OUT-vine.

Uitwaaien, literally translated means “to walk in the wind,” to take a brief break in order to clear one’s head.

Uitwaaiening is a verb that represents itself by its rough translation; that being – taking time out to go walking outdoors to gain better insight or calm down after a stressful event. Although ‘Uitwaaien’ usually connotes forest paths or windswept beaches, its possible to ‘Uitwaaien’ in parks or even gardens.

Why would a person take an Uitwaaien moment… well a person would take out an Uitwaaien moment in order to clear their head in order to lift or release the burdens of a person’s heavy heart or over worked mind & life… an Uitwaaien is done by taking a brief break in nature or open space.

For the last few I have been feeling a little over run and a hell of a lot overwhelmed by the fast pace and the happenings of my busy life.

I am guilty of allowing things to overwhelm me.. I have had my busy mind trapped by a pile of paperwork and many different feelings and emotions.

I knew that I was becoming very inwardly tired and I certainly felt the weight of the world on my shoulders… the affects of this very deep level of exhaustion was holding me down and I felt as though I was going to collapse under the weight of my life’s pressures and struggles.

I felt very strongly that the best thing that I could do for myself was to allow myself the right to take a small time out… I needed a break from my ever winding was writing here and woman-walking-away_largethere but most of that was being done in my scribbling’s and notebook. My scribbled notebook writings unwritten and just like the Dutch word Uitwaaien my written words were not being written and uploaded to my daily blog writings.

In all honesty I thought that taking a break from my daily writings. Would give me the much needed break that both me and my mind needed in order to find a patch of calmness and quietness in my mind… but if I have to be completely honest; I became even more weighed down but the words and the daily writings that I wasn’t writing than the actual reasons for me needing to take out my few weeks of Uitwaaien.

I found interests in some of my other long forgotten musings… i.e. crocheting and reading… I was able to start a new crochet blanket (I was pleasantly surprised how quickly the flow of my stitches cane together). As for reading; I haven’t read like I actually did in my Uitwaaien moments for some years… I was reading 1-2 books a week and I found myself on many occasions loosing myself in the words and characters of the writings of my chosen books..
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For the first time in a long time… my crocheting and reading musings had me locked deep into a period of reflection and thought… I thought about many things and I found that I was longing to offload my mind in a mind map exercise; an exercise that had me working on reprioritising my daily workload and the many thoughts that were flooding my mind and thoughts…

I yearned everyday in my own absence the permission to pick up my pen and go back to my writing; the place where I knew that my solace was in my writing… I knew oh to well that I was never lost or lonely when I was writing but for some reason unbeknownst to me… I became uneasy and unable to string together my thoughts and words that up until this lost in my self moment my writings flowed with ease… I saw myself struggling and wondered what the hell was happening… & in the long run I decided to not fight my overwhelmed seld and the very things that were weighing me down and I allowed them the time and space that they needed to find the fresh air that they needed.

At first I put pressure on myself to return to my daily writings on an everyday basis and then I decided that what I needed was a date a date that would have me returning to my love of writing… in setting this date I chose to not set it in concrete and the pep talk began “take as much time as you need to unwind and untangle my mind and thoughts..” and hear I am back with a clearer mind and thought process… still not 100% back so happy to find that familiar solace in the words that fill my heart, mind and soul with contentment.

I knew from the get go that all I needed was some time in my own space, where there was no schedule and no need for me to control my every thinking and thoughts.


M.E. Time
By Gordon David
Reference – https://www.poemhunter.com/poem/m-e-time/

This is me time
To do what I gotta do
So please just let me be
I’ve always been there for you

Yes it’s me time
I owe you no apology
You’ve had nearly all I’ve got
Now I must be on my way

Because it’s me time
I just wanna be on my own
I’ll do what’s best for me
So I need to be left alone

Yes this is me time
I just need to do some thinking
Some peace and tranquility
You know I won’t be drinking

For it’s me time
Can you see it in my eyes
I need some time for me
I’ve always hated goodbyes

This is me time
I can deal with the physical pain
It can’t really hurt me
I think I’m just staying sane

This is just me time
I’ve gotta think of number one
Instead of everyone else
To undo all the knots I’ve done

I just need some me time
Do things I feel I need to do
I’ve nothing left to give
It isn’t me this time it’s you.

I need my me time
I am trying to make you understand
That it’s not easy being me
So with a virtual wave of my hand

this is me time,
time for just myself
I’ll be in touch some day
when I’m in better health


I am so happy to be back with my pen in hand.
penwrite
Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Song Appreciation – “The Greatest Showman – A Million Dreams”

greatest-show_mini.jpgSong Appreciation – “The Greatest Showman – A Million Dreams”
Sung by – Artists: Hugh Jackman, Ziv Zaifman, Michelle Williams
Movie – The Greatest Showman
_________________________
“The Greatest Showman – A Million Dreams” – Lyrics

I close my eyes and I can see
The world that’s waiting up for me
That I call my own
Through the dark, through the door
Through where no one’s been before
But it feels like home

They can say, they can say it all sounds crazy
They can say, they can say I’ve lost my mind
I don’t care, I don’t care, so call me crazy
We can live in a world that we design

‘Cause every night I lie in bed
The brightest colors fill my head
A million dreams are keeping me awake
I think of what the world could be
A vision of the one I see
A million dreams is all it’s gonna take
A million dreams for the world we’re gonna make

There’s a house we can build
Every room inside is filled
With things from far away
The special things I compile
Each one there to make you smile
On a rainy day

They can say, they can say it all sounds crazy
They can say, they can say we’ve lost our minds
I don’t care, I don’t care if they call us crazy
Runaway to a world that we design

Every night I lie in bed
The brightest colors fill my head
A million dreams are keeping me awake
I think of what the world could be
A vision of the one I see
A million dreams is all it’s gonna take
A million dreams for the world we’re gonna make

However big, however small
Let me be part of it all
Share your dreams with me
You may be right, you may be wrong
But say that you’ll bring me along
To the world you see
To the world I close my eyes to see
I close my eyes to see

Every night I lie in bed
The brightest colors fill my head
A million dreams are keeping me awake
A million dreams, a million dreams
I think of what the world could be
A vision of the one I see
A million dreams is all it’s gonna take
A million dreams for the world we’re gonna make

For the world we’re gonna make

Video Clip Url – https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=pSQk-4fddDI


greatest-showman
Song Appreciation – Questions

1. What does the title of the song tell you it is about?

The song title is a “A Million Dreams” – what it says to me is that someone has spent some time dreaming for sometime or even a million times over for the life or the being that they want for themselves.


2. Read or listen to the song quietly. What is happening?

When I listen to the song “A Million Dreams”… I hear the love and passion of uncharted territory… the long of a love that has lived its presence in million long dreams of a heart longing touch.

I hear the youth of a new love showing its maturity in the yearn for the unknown hold that love installs in the hearts of every single person or every single soul that has ever love anyone in a far greater capacity then he or she has ever loved another.

A Million Dreams is a vivid song that flutters colours and euphoria in the love that is seen in those million dreams… sing breath, belief and reality into a world that is yearning to be real.


3. What is your first impression of the song? My impression of the “A Million Dreams” is the very feeling that reminds me of the love that I felt when My Dreams of loving my husband in the flesh and not in the dreams and wants that I had for him.

Our wedding song by Savage Garden – I Knew I Loved You talks about my exact feeling and connection that I had for some years before Steve and I actually became one.

There’s just no rhyme or reason
Only the sense of completion
And in your eyes, I see
The missing pieces I’m searching for
I think I’ve found my way home
I know that it might sound
More than a little crazy
But I believe

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

I understand the euphoria that the song A Million Dreams
Conveys…

A thousand angels dance around you
I am complete now that I’ve found you
Is how my story started… my story & its reality, beautiful colours fade away the world and the people around you when you find reality in the dreams that colour the world of love that fills the world and hearts of two finding love for the very first time.


4. Now read the song a second time. Notice how it is punctuated. Do any images
stand out to you?

The image that comes to me is a prom dance night, the lSt dance of the evening where nothing exists but the music and the lights flickering the colours of the falling glitter and confetti into the euphoria that exists when two hearts find each other.


5. Is there a rhyming pattern? What is it? Is there a noticeable rhythm to the words?

The rhythm that tge song A Million dreams is of an out of breath person in love talking quickly so that they can talk of the love that has ones heart in it grip…

Patterns painted in coloured huge flashing light hitting the skys…

Deeply felt is love in yearning that it has a noticeable heart beat that beating fast in the story the song A Million Dreams sings.


6. Is there an obvious meaning to the song?

Yes absolutely there is an obvious meaning to A Million Dreams… and sing so beautifully of its expectations of a love that is dreamed of over and over again, soon to be live in reality that will soon breathe life into its world & words.


7. Is there an implied meaning?

The implied meaning is known “A Million Dreams” all of the same story.. the deep and burning yearn for the vivid love that ones heart dreams of; over and over again.


Song Facts
Reference – https://www.songfacts.com/facts/ziv-zaifman/a-million-dreams

Written by Benj Pasek and Justin Paul for The Greatest Showman soundtrack, “A Million Dreams” is sung by the young P. T. Barnum (Ziv Zaifman) to his future wife Charity Hallett (Michelle Williams). He tells her of his dreams for the future and explains his confidence that if they work hard for it, they will come true.

“We wanted to show a couple of things. One, that this flame of a dreamer that is Barnum always has a vision. He always wanted life to be larger and colorful than it was. We wanted to show that’s the kind of thing that ran through the character from when he was a kid to being an adult.

But for the story, we thought it would also be interesting and ironic that he expresses this dream as a kid and when we meet Hugh Jackman as an adult now. He still has that same dream and he still hasn’t found that thing. He still hasn’t built the house, so to speak. He hasn’t been good on the promise he makes to himself and Charity. So that dream is kept alive.”

This was the first tune that Pasek and Paul wrote for The Greatest Showman and it served as their audition for The Greatest Showman. However, nothing was assured. “Every song in the movie we wrote in a competitive way, because we were never hired as the songwriters for the movie,” Pasek told Billboard. “We had to submit a song for each song moment.”


More Facts


Reference – https://www.songmeaningsandfacts.com/a-million-dreams-by-ziv-zaifman-featuring-michelle-ingrid-hugh-jackman/

PRE-CHORUS
The people around him think he is losing his mind for dreaming of such. Yet despite this opposition he is committed to achieving a reality based on his fantasy. Indeed he can’t sleep at night due to nagging yet wonderful imaginings of a reality he feels he and his fellow believers are able to create.

VERSE 2
The second verse then gets more specific in identifying that the song is indeed about a particular person. As such we get a gander of what it is he is actually conceptualizing, which are exotic items that bring joy to peoples’ lives, even on depressing days. Likewise the business P. T. Barnum was engaged in was circuses.

CHORUS
The subject of the song then switches from a young P. T. Barnum into his adult form. Yet once again he is expressing the same sentiments as in the pre-chorus. In other words, the adult P. T. Barnum possesses the same colorful aspirations that he had as a youth.

BRIDGE
During the bridge, P. T. Barnum’s wife, Charity, joins him in singing. She expresses that she shares his vision and is there to support him throughout his journey to make it come true. He relays the same sentiment to her.

OUTRO
The song concludes on the note that P.T. and Charity are indeed actively engaged in creating “the world” that they both dream of.


Quick Facts about “A Million Dreams”

This song was performed by actors Ziv Zaifman, Hugh Jackman and Michelle Williams. These stars, including Jackman, actually sang this song.

Songwriters Justin Paul, Joseph Trapanese and Alex Lacamoire are credited with composing this track.
“A Million Dreams” was produced by Benj Pasek and all three of the song’s writers.

The song appears on the soundtrack album to The Greatest Showman. That album is titled The Greatest Showman: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack. It was released on December 8, 2017.


My Interpretation Of “A Million Dreams”

Through the doors of the world we built
I walk on in
I scan the room for the familiar smells
That beckon me to your side

All day long I have day dreamed of holding you
Caressing passion burning bright
Where I in my mind I have kissed you a thousand times

Words are meaningless b445ed0913dbd8b55a7ce48c9c018504-hidden-doors-surrealism-art.jpg

Silence encircles
No words are needed in exchange

Slow motions
Mirror the two of us
Wrapped up in the euphoria
Of the lost hours where our eyes didn’t cross
Nothing better than falling into the abyss
Of our hearts in tune

“I close my eyes and I can see a world that has spent it’s hours waiting for me”
There I hug you
Standing tall in a stance
Where my heart lights up the sky

I’m not crazy
And I haven’t lost my mind
You are the earth my footsteps walk on for
Cradled heart
Two minds as one
There is nothing more wanting
In my beating heart
Than the love that wraps us in its warmth

You are the vision
That I once used to dream
Now your standing
Heart to heart
Arms in grip
Nothing could ever top this feeling
For I have found my reality
The million dreams that I used to dream

Those dreams of you
Were once so vivid
Now I feel your breath breathing with mine
Cradled in arms
And hearts deeply entwined
You are my world
And my only one.

You are the million dreams
I no longer dream
For you are the unfolding of was once just a dream.

By Tanya Kelly


I love this song that has me writing about it in my today’s writings… it takes me right back to the day when my hubby Steve became real flesh and blood, the touch and feel of a person that I had met some 3 years on three separate before.

As written on May 19th, 2018 – What Words Would I Have Spoken To You On Our Wedding Day –

istockphoto-500117975-612x612.jpgYou Are My Best Friend,
My Sense Of Completion
The Missing Pieces That I Was Searching For
We Both Complete
Now That We Are One.

& again talked about my euphoria of love for my hubby Steve in my writing dated:- October 27th, 2000 – Here’s To Our 18th Wedding Anniversary October, Saturday 28th, 2000 where I wrote the following:-

Through the sands of time, Many days went by But I never let go of your picture in my mind. I promised myself that I would someday find you Reconnect with you And make you mine.

You’ve always been hidden Far back in my subconscious But every now and then There would be a whispered word Nudging me telling me that you are never far That someday soon; You will materialise and become forever mine.

There was a time in those years Where I gained a glimpse of you But the mesmeric fields of love Never aligned us on the same path.

Your name was heard In the traps of other peoples words… And just as I accepted That our love may never to be; Like a genie in the wind, You appeared in the flesh And there you were in front of me.

A stolen kiss from a stranger in person But in my dreams, this certainly wasn’t our first. Then it came That you become mine Loving you always And far more than one lifetime should allow.

Written By
Tanya Kelly
2018


Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day # 138 – Writing Challenge Question “Tarra – Nicholle Nelson”

Ok so today was day #1 of a 10 day writing challenge.. (like I need any other self imposed Tara Nicholle-Nelson.jpg
projects in my daily schedule).

The Writing Challenge I Am Undertaking is – The SoulTour Community – 10 Day Writing Challenge – Tarra – Nicholle Nelson –
http://www.taranicholle.com/30-day-writing-challenge. This writing challenge will go from March 19th, 2019 – March 29th, 2019  (10 days as the name suggests.
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So here is the Writing Prompt of the Day #1: What’s Your Game Name Now?

After an example of what  Daenerys Targaryen “Game Of Thrones Heroine calls herself and why… I thought Ok… ” How Hard Could It Be To Write About Me In A Mouthful Of Formal Descriptiveness? “

Daenerys Targaryen’s name goes like this: “Daenerys of the House Targaryen, the First of Her Name, The Unburnt, Queen of the Andals, the Rhoynar and the First Men, Queen of Daenerys Targaryen.jpg
Meereen, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Protector of the Realm, Lady Regnant of the Seven Kingdoms, Breaker of Chains and Mother of Dragons.”

Tarra – Nicholle Nelson goes on to say in her writing instructions of Day #1’s writing prompt that Daenery introduces herself with her name followed by a long list of clauses that detail her feats and describe who she is — and wants others to know she is — at her essence, now, constantly updating her name as she lives and evolves.
___________________________

So…. knowing that I have Only seen season 1 complete, and part of 2,3 & 7 in bits & pieces, & not truly knowing anything about Daenerys Targaryen … lol I thought … how hard could this exercise be..?

I wont bore you with my long drawn out version … but here is what I wrote…
_______________________________________________
Tanya House Of Kelly, Of Australia – Sydney, (Will Be Forever Known Under Other Known Aliases. Ms. T (Pen Name), RiteMinded (Pen Name), 365 Day Somethings (Blogger Name), Angelfacepoet (Pen Name), Tan (Shortening Of Name), Wife Of Steve, Mom To Sean, Nichaalus, Katijana & Human Wanna Be Lucas Jack Russel Kelly, Daughter, Sister, Aunt, Friend, Relation, Cousin, (All Rightfully Earned Names) Web Designer (Career), Writer, Author, Blogger (Chosen Hobbyist Names), Ms Warrior (Illness Known Since Diagnosis In 2014) , Counsellor (Last Known Educational Qualification).
_______________________________________________

582 characters long… do you think that you will fit on my drivers licence, or on the signature line of any important document ? … ” nah yah right probably not ! ! ! ” We have to be grateful of our simple language at times… even a badly written paragraph of text is far easier to read then the formal writings of yester years… don’t you think ?
Come Join Me @ The
The SoulTour Community – 10 Day Writing Challenge – Tarra – Nicholle Nelson –
Click Here

If You Are Intrigued about what Tarra offers up in the ways of writing prompts in her 10 Day Writing Challenge at “The SoulTour Community.”
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Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day #137 “Why I Write Verse”

Today in my day-to-day research and daily writing endeavours I came across a small verse  that I would live to share with you.

This verse gives me the reasons and the validity to why I sit here everyday and write as whywrite2.jpg
much and as often as I do.

Maybe it won’t be famous.
Maybe it won’t be a movie,
but that is not why I started it
and that’s not why I’ll finish.

Author. Ryan Reudell
Legendary Writing

This about verse is the very reason behind my writing; I don’t seek fame or fortune and I don’t seek a box office hit, my only goal for my writings is for my heart, mind & soul to find peace in every word they write.

I personally write everyday to leave a legacy and some documented evidence of my life and of the lives of those who paved their way before me… a memoir, an autobiography, a collection of unedited thoughts… a well researched family tree or a box full of priceless documents that show who our ancestors once were.


” When She Came To Write Her Story; She Would Wonder When The Books & The Words Started To Mean Not Just Something, But Everything.
~ Markus Zusak ~ The Book Thief  ~

I can tell you that my writings have always meant the world to me, but as I have gotten a little older, mainly since my children have come to need less and less of the every moment of my everyday… I have found my voice in my written words and those words have become the everything that I am, Someday’s I spend hours writing and as of late I have begun to chronicle the stories that my Family future generations will some day lean upon for historical reference and unspoken reference… For me personally I know that I would be lost if I couldn’t write… if my words failed to fill my pages; I would certainly cease to exist… so whilst my mind is sharp and willing to bare the long hours of writing I will sit and write until there are no more words to be written.

I don’t write for other people, but love it when I read what someone has written about my
whyiwrite.jpgdeep and sometimes mindless written thoughts, I write for myself and for the stories that need to be told… the reminders of our history… reminders and keepsakes for the generations of youngsters that will follow in mine and my ancestors well walked path.

 I write because it make me feel alive in the every word that I write… & when I have a moment of tearyness of stories a long time forgiven – but begging to be told, I will look upon the scripted words laying written on my page and think of them as a moment in clarification and as a moment in spent unburdening my soul.

For those who think my writing is frivolous (not having any serious purpose or value), I say this… To you my writing hours maybe be torturous and tedious and those hours tapping away on my keyboard or scribbling in my note filled books may seem to be a waste of time…. Call & see my written and writing adventures however you may see them, but I will serve out my years; chronicling to my day’s end.

Maya Angelou says all that needs to be said for why it is that I and others write… ” The Idea is to write so that people hear it and it slides through the brain and goes straight to the heart.”
~ Maya Angelou ~

A story that impacts on another person life or reading heart of another person is a story worth its reading time… even the simplest of written words can and will have an impact on someone’s life.

“There is something about words. In expert hands, manipulated deftly, they take you prisoner. Wind themselves around your limbs like spider silk, and when you are so enthralled you cannot move, they pierce your skin, enter your blood, numb your thoughts. Inside you they work their magic.”
~ Diane Setterfield ~

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day #134 “Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?” – Part #4

“Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?”
Reference/s –
https://themighty.com &
https://themighty.com/content/5c8a4aa63e5bbc00e49c3dcf


img_3811-1When I write about my story of Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis I write in a personal way… I write about PPMS as if he was a real person , with a real identity…(I have humanised him and even given him a name and a gender, his name is “My Story – and his gender is Male”

There are times throughout my writings where “My Story” himself makes an appearance & he is allowed to have a voice and even writes in the first person, I choose not to write for him (as a person telling another person’s story – in a disconnected third person kind of way)… “My Story” does have his own identity and he in fact as of late has started to identify himself as a comedian… (a self amused writer… as I personally see him).

I do think that in giving a human form to the identity of my PPMS, by giving him a name & a gender, by allowing him to speak in his own voice, in allowing him to identify himself as a comedian I think that I am just putting a lighter side to a diagnosis that exists in my body… that works against me in my everyday life… pushing its boundaries and “kick ass attitude” into my even white knuckled painful daily journey.

I have written before in and throughout my writings about my PPMS about how I feel that I am in my day to day life of having Ms test I know that I am in a fight with myself and my diagnosis to maintain who it is that I am…. and who it was that I was before my diagnosis of PPMS came to be a small part of who it is that I am now. I have written about how it is important for me to maintain my mind, my thoughts and my ability to learn new things.

And I have written on numerous occasions of my fears of how I would struggle to lose the who and the what parts of the very person that I am… what would I do without my thoughts and my mind processing and working abilities?? I would hate to think… my god I think that I would be better off being lost to this world than I would be if I had to live in this world with a diminished reality of whom it is that I am.

And there are times when I share a personal side of my PPMS story and how it affects me … just recently in a post I wrote the following:- “My Story”… I even thank him kindly when he makes me crash head first into the walls of my hallway… I don’t particularly find it funny when he trips me up on my many times folded socks (I have small feet and my socks have a mind of their own, together “My Story” and my socks work hard at pissing me off), but I give them a mouthful.. throwing my sox into the washing basket screaming “you deserve far worse treatment but maybe a spin in the washing machine will teach you who is boss..”

It sounds ridiculous… but getting mad only feeds the pain and symptoms… of “My Story” and my PPMS… I have found that humour humiliates both my symptoms and my ass-kicking socks and momentarily I feel a release of it’s at times overwhelming pain threshold that it can at times have over me.

I do tell people who ask about my Ms… that I Have Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis, It Can & Will Kick Me In The Ass When It So Has The Need & Or Want To… But Humour Keeps It’s Hold On Me From Knocking Me To The Floor.

I do choose to get up everyday knowing that at this moment in time that there is no cure for Ms, that there is only trials, treatments and day to day struggles…I have on many occasions been told that I am way to positive about my PPMS diagnosis “Like Really – Was That A Sentence, A Statement Or A Judgement ?”

I have told many people over the years since my diagnosis that there is truly no point in seeing the bad side of my Ms diagnosis, that crying & screaming “why me ?” isn’t for me… I tell people that at times Ms may have a tight grip on my pain threshold, but I believe that humour and giving it an identity like I have keeps the strong hold and the amount of medications that I have to take down to the minimum.

So I say to you my readers …. that maybe I am way to positive or even casual about my PPMS and its diagnosis/symptoms and maybe that positive attitude is too positive of an attitude for some people to handle… but for me, having a positive, humanising, humorous attitude about my PPMS is how i cope and get by from day to day – being positive works for me and whilst my positive attitude may not dwell well with others… I say to that…. What others think and how they feel about my positive attitude is just that “their thoughts” I choose not to weigh into the thinking’s and thoughts of other people… my journey and the way I go about it is what makes my Ms story personal to me…I choose to laugh in the face of my own diversity…  ” I refuse to use MS as a crutch or an excuse for the bad days that may block my day-to-day paths, I put on a brave face each & everyday… wearing strength & inner perseverance like a super hero cape even when the days have me feeling like I have no energy to power on.”


Awhile back I wrote the below poem titled “This Is Me”… A summation of the everything that I am… & I feel its a perfect summation of  today’s scrawling’s and my inner thoughts.

“This Is Me”
I’m not a stranger to the verbal words spoken behind my turned back
I see the finger-pointing
& I feel the stabbing pains that dig me deep within my heart
Pushing me to my breaking pointing
Expecting me to run
Run as far as it takes where no one can see me
All because they say its fun
To pull away at my inner workings
To see how I tick and toc

They want to see me hurt
They want to feel my need
All so that they can say that they were the ones who saved me!

I walk alone in my own stained glass tears
Pushing forward with all that wills me
Through the barricades of people who hold me back
& onto the footpath that I have built for me
And when the darted words make my life unbearable
I choose to walk tall vowing that my tears will never fall.

Silent moments and a flood of tears
Away from watching eyes and cheers of laughter
Silence becomes my comforter
As my legs raise me to where I am ok again.

I am not scared to have to have an opinion
& I am not scared to make it known
& whilst I certainly do not walk without fear
I am comforted by my guiding morals and values
I make no apologies,
I welcome my strength and know that this is who is me.
And when their words
Try to bend and break my resolve
I put on my brave face
& walk proudly on.

I am me
I am unique
I am the best me that I can be.
No hesitations
No apologies
& certainly no damn sorry’s
For I am being who it is that I was meant to be.

Written By
Tanya Kelly
2019


So… “Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?” …. Hell yah it is… & his name is “ My Story, He Is Male, He Identifies As A Comedian” and together “ My Story & I ” live with a positive attitude that has a humanising element of who & what “My Story”  & PPMS” is to me…

PPMS, “My Story” & I  are the elements of me that make me; me!


So there it is my thoughts and perspectives on an interesting question came into my inbox.. (“Is My Condition Part Of What Makes Me… Me ?”)… the very thoughts that got me thinking about my Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis, and about how PPMS, “My Story” & I  are the elements of me that make me; me!

Reference/s – https://themighty.com & https://themighty.com/content/5c8a4aa63e5bbc00e49c3dcf


Thank you for sticking with me & my long winded writings and thoughts. I hope that through my words you gained a greater understanding of what Multiple Sclerosis is and how the many of thousands of people who have it get through their every day’s.

Multiple Sclerosis may have altered some of my body’s workings & it may have altered the way that I do thing in my day to day life… but I am strong and I live each day to the fullest with a hope that the generations that will follow in my footsteps will live a life without Multiple Sclerosis or any other autoimmune disease in their timeline.


<== This Blog Post’s Other Pages ==>
Introduction  –  #1  –  #2  –  #3  –  #4

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com