“Re-Reading My Own Chapters”

Video

As I wrote in an earlier blog post of this week; my last few weeks have had my tied up in a few inner and 3rd party struggles that had me feeling very overwhelmed. As the days went by and my usual happy self chose day after day to not show up, I began to question myself and overall state of mind.

I have struggled before but something was different on this occasion… being told that I was quite possibly in a rut… tiring myself out for reasons only known to me just fueled the fire that had me on the back foot of my own calmness… looking at my own self from a far for the moment of peace that I usually found in the hours that I usually sat down and wrote for… but as the days went on; even my daily writings failed to the peaceful place that I exist in when I write.

Staying in my RUT or BAD MOOD … call it what ever you will… it came clear to me that the only thing that could do any good for me was to allow the time to pass all on its own… it was time to let go of my own selves expectations and let the days hours pass and let my schedule go with them…

Then as quickly as I let go of my inner struggles and that schedule that had me overwhelmed and seeking a quiet & solace place for my thoughts to write… I knew that I had to take a break from my writing also, purely because I was putting a lot of energy, energy that I didn’t have to keep up with my many daily writings.

What snapped me out of my own inwardness was a combination of things… some I have just this week written about in my blog, but the following write up that came across my desk helped me to find my footing and my minds solace and my writing voice.

This post meme written by E.V. Rogina Agathokakological – an author for TheMindsJounal.

The written verse in the meme read like this: –

I am still learning
how to go back & reread
my own chapters
without feeling like I
want to set all of my pages
on fire.

I knew that I had to give my mind & body their space to reboot and regain their mindfulness & will to return to life’s grind stone, something came over me & I became trusting of the unknown… I knew that I would soon be ok and that my pen & it’s ink would soon enough to fill my page.


“Mindfulness is the aware, balanced acceptance of the present experience. It isn’t more complicated than that. It is opening to or receiving the present moment, pleasant or unpleasant, just as it is, without clinging to it or rejecting it. Author – Sylvia Boorstein”


I am so glad that the last few weeks and the overwhelming feelings that have encircled them have now passed… I am feeling contented in my own mind & body… my soul is again at peace… & of course; here I am back at my desk attending to my daily writings.

SignedAuthor. Tanya Kelly

365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day #114 – Part Of My Long Daily Write

Today’s blog post has been spurred on by the movie “Still Alice” – is based on a novel of stillalice.png
the same name published in 2007. The novel was written by Lisa Genova, a neuroscientist who was inspired by her grandmother’s development of Alzheimer’s disease to write about the disease from a firsthand perspective. Still Alice is a compelling debut novel about a 50-year-old woman’s sudden descent into early onset Alzheimer’s disease, written by first-time author Lisa Genova, who holds a Ph. D in neuroscience from Harvard University.

Alice is a celebrated Harvard professor at the height of her career when she notices a forgetfulness creeping into her life. As confusion starts to cloud her thinking and her memory begins to fail her, she receives a devastating diagnosis: early onset Alzheimer’s disease. Fiercely independent, Alice struggles to maintain her lifestyle and live in the moment, even as her sense of self is being stripped away. In turns heartbreaking, inspiring and terrifying, Still Alice captures in remarkable detail what’s it’s like to literally lose your mind.

See The “Still Alice”  Movie Trailer Here

Reference – https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/2153405.Still_Alice


Please be aware that this daily blog post is an abridgement of my daily written works.

The part of the movie “Still Alice” that got me to writing down my thoughts in yesterday and today daily writes is this:-

” I’m still alive. I know I’m alive. I have people I love dearly. I have things I want to do with my life. I rail against myself for not being able to remember things – but I still have moments in the day of pure happiness and joy. And please do not think that I am suffering. I am not suffering. I am struggling. Struggling to be part of things, to stay connected to whom I was once. So, ‘live in the moment’ I tell myself. It’s really all I can do, live in the moment. And not beat myself up too much… and not beat myself up too much for mastering the art of losing.”

These written words have become very dear to me, they mean the everything that my heart is screaming out to those people who are both curious and worried for me and my PPMS kick ass moments.

fightingms.jpgI want people to know that there are days where my PPMS Diagnosis & its alter ego “My Story” get together and kick my ass from one end of my days path to the very end of its last second of its days time. There are days when I am left feeling pushed beyond my limits, there are certainly days when I question who it is that I am and who it is that I will become, and of course I do grieve for the life that I had, the hours that I spent playing with my kids, the hours I worked hard to bring home a pay check that would buy my family new adventures and new foods to try, I will forever have the memory of jumping into my car – turning up the stereo and zipping down the road to a place that comforted my soul… but in the end I am not unhappy for all the things that my PPMS has altered, varied or taken away… I know that I can still do these things, I just now have to be aware of how go about things & how I use up my daily energy allotment.

Like Alice “I Am Still Alive” – I have a great family and some beautiful friends that except me and my attitude’s against all odds… I know who it is that I am & I know what I am able to do, I know that I have a varied skill set and I know that my PPMS diagnosis doesn’t define who it is that I am. I know that I have had to and will continue to have to alter my daily schedules and the how’s and the when’s that I will be able to do things… but I know that I also have a lot to live for and a lot to look forward to… Alice may have contemplated suicide – ending her life by taking a bottle of pills ““You are not living the life you want to live,” Alice writes in the note, which provides her with instructions on how to take a fatal dose of the pills she has hidden in a drawer. “You have chosen an outcome that is the most dignified, fair, and respectful to you and your family,” the note assures her” but have no want for my life and its journey to end…

I love my life and who it is that I am in it… even if that means that I must live the years that I have left with my shadows PPMS & “My Story” busily working in the forefront working hard to trip me up with its designated companion “Funky Walk” working along side in their team. I love with all that I am those people in my life that I treasure… my Family and Friends are my everything and my inner circle is the strength that keeps me pushing forward for the everything that we deserve in our lives.

I to have many things that I want to do with my life… for now my want is to write and write and write… I want to journal and blog about my life.. detailing my stories, my sorrows and my most intimate thoughts and feelings…. there is apart of me that wants to return to my studies of in the counselling field “finish my bachelors” but I am now torn between writing a Colum, Journalism, Writing For The Media, or Becoming A Full Time Blogger. Writing is where I find myself being the happiest me that I know how to be… I feel free and at peace with my life and my story when I am busily writing.

Right now my PPMS isn’t affecting my memory… I know oh to well that this may in my future become the case.. writing now will be my memory that I will gift to myself when and if my memory begins to fail me and my ability to write… just like Alice my phone, my notebooks, my scrawlings, my daily writes, my blog and my every written word are what keeps me going – they mean a great deal to me… writing is my muse, writing is who I am in all my rawness & and in all my truths.

The very moments in the day of pure happiness and joy are very much wrapped up in what I have written above… My Family, My Friends, My Writing… I am certainly not depressed or looking to place a tag of anger on what is my life… I am contented and I am finding the good days in my PPMS diagnosis that is now having to learn to live with and beside me.

The ending quote of what drives me to write about the movie “Still Alice” – And please do not think that I am suffering. I am not suffering. I am struggling. Struggling to be part of things, to stay connected to whom I was once. So, ‘live in the moment’ I tell myself. It’s really all I can do, live in the moment. And not beat myself up too much… and not beat myself up too much for mastering the art of losing.”

I am indeed not suffering… I am chronicling & recording my life in a factual and detailed way. Maybe this way is hard-headed and even confronting… but living my life as authentically as I can is important to me… I am driven by my moral standings to stay true to who it is that I am. Like I wrote above “I am not bullshitting to myself and I am certainly not bullshitting any other person who find a sense of curiosity in what has been happening to me and in my PPMS dilly dalling world… I stand for what I know is the truth in me and within my life’s story. I am struggling. Struggling to be part of things, and I do struggle to stay connected to people who have different ideas of who it is that I should be, or for that matter how I should be living in the wake of my PPMS… I work Hard to maintain my relationships that I love and hold dear with others… but someday’s I find that I have to give myself permission to say “Not Today & Maybe Not Tomorrow” – people have and will have to learn to see that someday’s I just need to get lost and be alone with myself and my thoughts.

As for not beating up on myself and or not taking the burdens of the words of others to heart.. well this part of my “need to do for me list” will take just a little longer to accomplish and or learn to do… don’t hold your breathe though… I am not one for being selfish and I do take to heart all that people say… I am after all an empath – (An empath is someone with the strong ability for this – to feel the thoughts, emotions, and energy of others and generally, people who are empaths are affected by these influences sometimes to the point of it becoming debilitating). I will never be that person that beats myself up for mastering the art of losing… I am not loosing… loosing “what am I loosing” I am gaining the person that I am, the person that has always lived in me… and if that isn’t enough of a self appointed conviction ” I have gained the Author in me that see my dark days and raise them into the light and share with them the beauty in my happy moments, the happiness in & for those who encircle me & I am most defiantly not loosing out on living… PPMS – “My Story” & I may not be friends or even close acquaintances but we are written into each others unpaved paths… we will have to learn to guide ourselves and our varying ways; through, around and over the terrains in our way.


Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis doesn’t define me, its try’s to trip me up from time to time… but it has given me the kick ass attitude that will not allow me to disappear behind the diagnosis that now part of my life.


illnevergiveup.jpgSigned
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day # 84 – “I Can Do It” – Louise Hay – 365 Days Of Daily Affirmations (Jan 1st)

I was gifted a present for Christmas.. from my blogging buddy Lauren, Her gift was a 365 daily affirmation calendar by Louise Hay – Titled “I Can Do It.”

So I was on receivership of Lauren’s well packaged “contacted” (book wrapping/covering) covered package.. I told her that I would embark on a writing journey where I would go day by day through the 365 day affirmations calendar  (with no sneaky peaky looksie’s at what affirmations are coming up).

So for each day of Louise Hay’s 365 Day Affirmation Calendar I would sit & write something for each written affirmation page that I turn.

So today being January 1st… Louise Hays daily affirmation was… “I Am Moving Into A New Era Of Life That Is Far More Satisfying Than Anything I Have Experienced Before. This Is Just The Beginning Of An Amazing Year.”

©Louise Hay “I Can Do It” 2019 Calendar – 365 Day Affirmations


What this written quote by Louise Hay says to me is this:-

For me 2019 will deliver me the okayness to be me… standing strong within my moral and standing even taller in my own convictions… whilst I have always been very headstrong and capable of standing up for my beliefs there is a part of me that is hidden from others is the side of me that is an independent people pleasure…

On one hand I am outwardly independent and stand proudly that I rely on very few fo my existence in this world…. some see this quality in me as that of me being stubborn and driven to prove a point but there is a small part of me that knows that this quality isnt about being and or proving that I am strong minded & willed …. for me being stubborn is my self defence wall that is afraid of others seeing my vulnerabilities out of fear of reprisal and the misuse of the powers that my vulnerabilities may harbours.

On the other hand I am but just s speckled bleep of human existence. I bleed just like everyone else on this planet… and I certainly feel pain like everyone else does.. but what few people see from me is how hard I can truly cry… I may appear strong  and even stronger willed… but I am very much the opposite to who others see me as.

Self confidence is how many see me… strong minded, strong willed and morally driven but the true and rarely seen me is child like and scared of physical, mental, social & relationship abandoning… I am very much afraid of coming unravelled… I am afraid of the unseen characteristics that may come of my unravelling… afraid of the unknown and afraid of what will come of the instability of my loss of self control.

So day 3 of Louise Hay’s 365 Day Calendar Affirmations brings me to say this about todays daily affirmation… 2019 is about me standing & giving myself the okayness to let the things that I am afraid of not be the parts of me that I keep hidden … I want to give myself the support that I feel that I deserve… but the biggest part of me letting go of my outward self confidence is becoming ok with the consequences that my vulnerabilities may exposes.

In 2019 the new era of me want to learn how to say no! … & I want to find the inner strength to learn… learning what saying no will bring & I want 2019 to be the year that my decisions and my needs either come first outweighing the many needs of those around me…

2019 for me tells me that  I want to be my priority and that I want to be the receiver of my much needed long standing in the wind needs.

“ I am moving into a new era of life that is far more satisfying than anything I have experienced before. This is just the beginning of an amazing year! ” … this whole year will be new territory for me… will my self’s self promotion make me the target of the misgivings and misunderstandings of others… to become my priority I have to find  the inner strength to be ok with the consequences of me becoming my own priority…. and letting others deal with their own difficulties in accepting that I am entitled to stand in a line for my share of personal time.. just as others are.

An “Amazing Year” mmm  well with no negative or double meaning… bring on 2019… I am ready to become my own priority.


So there it is my daily blog based upon Louise Hay’s “I Can Do It” 2019 Calendar – 365 Day Affirmations. (Dated January 1st).

So thanks a bunch Lauren for getting my cogs spinning in a moment of self giving. A writing journey that will show me that the inner power & attitude of “I Can Do It” does indeed live in me.

I will be from time to time be sharing what I write in my writing journey of Louise Hay’s “I Can Do It” 2019 Calendar – 365 Day Affirmations. I am inspired explore my thinking’s and thoughts as well as what the meaning of Louise Louise Hay’s “I Can Do It” 2019 Calendar – 365 Day Affirmations in a 365 day writing challenge.

Written By
Author.
Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day # 77 – 100 Personal End Of Year Reflection Review Questions – Part 9 – “Light-hearted & Fun – Year End Review.”

One of my pinterest pins had the following self-reflection set of questions that I though was very interesting. So I sat down and began to answer the questions that were being asked and I thought that my answers and the website were worthy of sharing.

The website offers up 100 questions that are titled “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions” divided into 10 separate sections of 10 questions in each section.

The website & its questions can be seen here at It’s All You Boo – By Author
Nadalie Bardo.

I personally have sat down to undertake the challenge of answering Nadalie’s reflective questions as I feel that they will help to settle me in the year of 2019 after helping me to reflect on 2018.

In today’s daily blog post I will be looking at the 8th set of 10 questions of Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions” – a set of questions that your finances for the year that has just passed.

howweuseit


End of the Year Reflection Part 9. Here are 10 Light-Hearted and Fun Year End Review Questions


81. When you say 2018, what’s the first thing that comes to mind?

2018 in a nutshell was a mixed bag of up’s and downs…. but for the most part I very much enjoyed my exploration time in getting back to my writing… learning the deeper & inner aspects of myself and of the unwritten words and thought-out thoughts.

So what comes to mind when I talk about my existence in the year 2018… Gratitude for vowing to explore what I have for the longest time haven’t seen or heard on any page…

My gratitude plays homage to words that I write every day, it has been s a long way back to my writing and to the download of my thoughts… writing has always meant a lot to me and now that I am back into writing every day I feel less frustrated and much happier within myself.


82. Is your favourite colour still the same this year as last year?

I have always liked the colour black, black is a very dominate colour in my non coloured wardrobe… but something changed in me the year of 2018 and I found a greater appreciation for the beauty found in colour.

I have come to like all shades of purples and yellows… but my most loved colour of 2018 is and has become “olive green…. surprising enough there is room in me to find a like for some shades of pink…a colour that I  have been to fond of.”

So yep guilty as charged… my inner colour palette & my new found like for colour has been a new something in my 2018 year of me… My hope is to in 2019 to replace some of the black in my wardrobe with some colours…. I want my clothes to show the happiness in my calming soul.


83. What’s the most shocking news you received?

The most shocking news that I received throughout 2018 would be of course the loss of a people that I not only knew well but I had great affection for… the news of someone passing is always a hard pill to swallow… death may very much be a central part of the “life cycle” but when it comes around and takes the people that we love, the reason and the news for the passing of our loved ones always seems to come at the most untimely time.


84. What new skills did you develop or discover?

Throughout 2018 I have taught myself new software packages for my web designing & I have leant how to blog in a daily capacity & one of my cherish hobbies has come to me after many years of trying to gain the skill of crochet (a few stitches and designs maybe… but a personal accomplishment just the same).

I love the development stages of watching my much loved gift of writing come back to life… I do feel that blogging is very different to my skill set of web designing… my procrastination about my lack of skills in blogging is no longer the thing that hold me back from returning to the written words that deliver me a sense of happiness in my every word.

I have had to learn patience and self-acceptance & I will be the first to admit that being grateful for my own self’s inner working has taken a great deal of time and strength in the acknowledgment fazes of getting to know me. Learning patience and self-acceptance is my 2018’s greatest accomplish… yet it is still an accomplishment that is underdeveloped and I am aware that there is a great deal of room for further personal growth in this area of my life.

Patience and self-acceptance whooooo knew that I had it in me….??


85. Did you have a favourite quote or saying?

“And as I stand on this battleground, I remind myself of the truth: That I am a force, to be reckoned with. Through all of these wars, I’ve won, lost, and learned. And I am not afraid, to utilize every ounce of my power. I will light this bitch on fire; then stand back, and watch it burn.” – Little Girl Speak

86. What’s your favourite song, movie, book and or TV show from last year?

Favourite Movies Of 2018 – Girl On The Train & Room
Favourite Song – Brave – Sara Bareilles & In my Blood – Shawn Mendes
Tv Show – Poldark
Book – I shamelessly admit that 2018 wasn’t a year for reading books for me.


87. What was the best compliment you received?

Like any person struggling in their life’s journey the best compliment that one could receive is “how I inspire other to see their daily drains and diversity’s and look at them with fresh eyes… having the inner strength to laugh and put my best foot and help for others ahead of my own struggles & pain.”

It is both humbling and a questionable experience when someone tells you that they are in awe of your get and get it one attitude… telling me that I show others how to see my diversity’s and raise them up with a smile. On the other hand the questionable experience comes from the negativity that is often shown to me when people choose not to be educated or shown how my diversities truly affect my everyday.


88. On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rank your year?

On a scale of 1-10 my 2018 was probably about a 6 or 7… it wasn’t a terribly great year and it wasn’t at all a bad year… the struggles in my health had me up and down but through my gift of writing I found my happy place… & in return some of the people that I have come to encircle myself with have given me much support and have made the hard pain riddled days easier to bare.

Like I said 2018 wasn’t at all a bad year, for me I kept to myself for the most part and spent the majority of 2018 giving back to myself… allowing myself the time and inner perseverance to find my hidden voice and inner thought written deep with in my soul.

I put my own self into frying pan of 2018 and gave myself a “it’s a now of never pep talk” I knew  that there would be personal sacrifices in finding my long lost written word and voice, but I knew that I had a great yearn to write…. & the personal struggles that I had with my own inward isolation was so worth the lone moments that I sometimes felt.

If I had to do 2018 again… the only thing that I would change would be my level of procrastination… and the giving up a lot earlier of the fear of putting my thoughts and myself on the line… I knew that I would stick with my years return to my writing… but just getting started was where I laid in question of my own starting point.


89. What three words best describe last year?

The 3 words that best describe 2018 are ” Gratification Towards Actualisation ” meaning that I am grateful for the journey has given my back my love of writing, paying homage to the strength that my perseverance and ownership needed so that I could give my writing a fighting chance to flourish.


90. If you wrote about last year, what would it be titled?

If I had to write a titled line that summed up my 2018, I would have to co to my unofficial anthem by singer/song writer “Cher – You Haven’t Seen The Last Of Me”  – a song that sings loudly how it is that I get up every day and put myself into my day, choosing not to sit and or lay down to the inner struggles that my multiple sclerosis brings to me.

“You Haven’t Seen The Last Of Me” sings loudly and proudly that no matter how bad things get and no matter how far down trodden I get; the sun will soon enough cast its light on my life & that I choose to get up and make the most of my life… leaving the whinging whining why me’s on the shore lines of hurting bodies tears.


So there it is questions 81 to 90 of Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions – Part 9 – “Light-hearted & Fun – Year End Review.” Tomorrow I will explore the very last part of Nadalie Bardo’s -100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions titled “Personal Reflection – Questions For Next Year.”

I look forward to exploring more of Nadalie Bardo’s “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions, the end result and or outcomes of my honest reflections of me and my year of 2018 will certainly be an interesting 1.

“I look forward to finishing up Nadalie’s 100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions…. having looked at my 2018 through different questions … offering up responses that I truly had no idea that they existed until I wrote them. But answers that not only reflected but also summed up 2018 and how I myself grew as a person… finding my way in my world, in my existence & how I of course found myself and my voice in writing adventures.”

So how about it…. Challenge yourself to Nadalie’s ” 100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions. ” here at her blog ” Its All You Boo ”


Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com


©Nadalie Bardo – “100 Personal End of Year Reflection & Review Questions. https://itsallyouboo.com/personal-end-of-year-reflection-and-review-questions/?fbclid=IwAR1ZDh24uBWoypAJZF7BiaJLg-_327R0LQsNC9mUGOR_VhfZESduAfOMWyQ

 

Day #58 – ” For My Inner Soul… “

Below is a poem that I started to writing in the wee hours of one of last weeks mornings…. Today I sat down and thought of how to end it… I wasn’t at all feeling down mindclock.jpgor blue, I just wrote the words that flew out of my mind…. that came easy but now that I look at them I can see that they paint a picture of moody loneliness… I think that the hours of the wee morning was the very thing that brought out my words….

” For My Inner Soul… ” is a poem that reflects the deepest and strongest pain there is known to man… Deeply embedded soul taunting pain… The sort of pain that is very hard to forget and even harder to forget.

Each of us has at some time or will at some time come to a darkened place that no other can reach… This place will be so dark that it will seem that there is no darker place to fall but hell itself.

Whether the infliction of such pain is from heartbreaking loss of a loved one or a breakup or even a snap moment conflict of a friendship at its end… There are so many life experiences that can and will bring forth such pain, each of us will go through this… But none of us the same.

The lonesome clock ticks will ring truly loud.. Days will go on forever… The soul will seem dark… And whilst the days will keep at bay the heart for a while… The darkness won’t last forever… The sun is sure to shine once more, it is important for the grief and loss of any traumatic time to be given the time for grief and the rebuild.

Some people will come through and seem unsaved. Others will wear band-aids and the scares may slowly heal… For others the wounds will be deep… and mind the will appear lost… Only time itself can and will heal the heart filled pain.

“My Inner Soul” is a poem that teaches us how our own heart, mind and soul and body as a whole encircle what is hurting and works to comfort and repair the damage within.

In my poem “My Inner Soul the heart, arms and mind become the strength that holds tight to the inner soul… comforting the inner soul out of its darkened place and into the symbolic sunshine that is to be tomorrow’s brighter days & less stormy waters.

These brighter days and less stormy waters serve to strengthen us… We will not see soulful hurt as a lesson till we have had time to reflect on the darkened moments that pushed our backs to the wall.

If by chance we are able to pick ourselves up and move on it is the person and the traumatic event that depicts how long the inner pain will last. There is a chance of course that a person may harbour the feelings associated far beyond the initial dark filled heartbreaking moment, there is also a possibility that these such wounds will stay imagesING2GC2F.jpgopen and stay roar… Time can never be factored into the recovery time… We are all different and there is no way that a person can predict a time factor for the recovery of a wounded soul.

If a person is lucky to have the comfort of loved ones to lean on then boundaries and expectations of the recovery period may become broken due to the intensity felt by the person going through their traumatised moment… Patience, understanding and an unconditional ear are where a person should find themselves… It is with the hope that the traumatised soul does not mistreat the very strength that encircles it.


Here we are with our backs to the wall…
We are worn out
And have been torn down…
Far beyond the floor we sit on
My inner soul
Can you feel me?
I know you’re there … I’m your beating heart.

I find you sitting alone in the darkest place
Full of contemplation and regretful rage
Flowing tears fill the swollen embankments of our eyes
Angry, hurt and feeling misunderstood
You; my inner soul you are a shadow of our former self.

Reflections of guilt and clout cloud our mind
Memories of yesterday
And what could have been
Tireless times and in rewind it seems
Our memories and regrets
Play over and over in our mind
For what our mind replays
Our heart can not forget

Our struggles are plenty
And our pain is great
Those stormy waters keep us in constant fight
With flooding tears and swollen eyes
You no longer see anything
Other than our inner grief
But I see us there
Cradled there in that darkened place
I hear you now
My lonesome soul, I hear your plight
I see you there, you are in there alright

Feel me now as our heart beats strong
Tiredness may overwhelm your will to fight
But dearest inner soul hang on tight

Breathing now
I see your smile
Below your tears
You no longer frown
Close your eyes
Deep breath now…
Go on breathe and breathe again
In and out, out and in
Listening now as we breathe again
We will soon surpass our stormy times

Let us stand
Stand tall we must
Postured shoulders are strengthening now
Relax those arms that comfort our woes
Let sleep become you
Rest our mind
Tomorrow is breaking
The dawn is near

I know we have been tested and beaten down
And even though we are taunted
We are nevertheless strong
For our inner strength held us tight
Day breaks here
And sleep is calling
Our tired arms and weakened mind
Will in hours awaken
The sun will be shining and you will see
That through the rubble of our darkened place
There you are standing and standing tall
Caressing our self-reflection
We will be whole once more.


This poem is a poem that reflects the deepest and strongest pain there is known to man… Deeply embedded soul taunting pain… The sort of pain that is very hard to forget and even harder to forget.

Each of us has at some time or will at some time come to a darkened place that no other can reach… This place will be so dark that it will seem that there is no darker place to fall but hell itself.

Whether the infliction of such pain is from heartbreaking loss of a loved one or a breakup or even a snap moment conflict of a friendship at its end… There are so many life experiences that can and will bring forth such pain, each of us will go through this… But none of us the same.

The lonesome clock ticks will ring truly loud.. Days will go on forever… The soul will seem dark… And whilst the days will keep at bay the heart for a while… The darkness won’t last forever… The sun is sure to shine once more, it is important for the grief and loss of any traumatic time to be given the time for grief and the rebuild.
Some people will come through and seem unsaved. Others will wear band-aids and the scares may slowly heal… For others the wounds will be deep… and mind the will appear lost… Only time itself can and will heal the heart filled pain.

“My Inner Soul” is a poem that teaches us how our own heart, mind and soul and body as a whole encircle what is hurting and works to comfort and repair the damage within.

In my poem “My Inner Soul the heart, arms and mind become the strength that holds tight to the inner soul… comforting the inner soul out of its darkened place and into the symbolic sunshine that is to be tomorrow’s brighter days & less stormy waters.

These brighter days and less stormy waters serve to strengthen us… We will not see soulful hurt as a lesson till we have had time to reflect on the darkened moments that pushed our backs to the wall.

If by chance we are able to pick ourselves up and move on it is the person and the traumatic event that depicts how long the inner pain will last. There is a chance of course that a person may harbour the feelings associated far beyond the initial dark filled heartbreaking moment, there is also a possibility that these such wounds will stay open and stay roar… Time can never be factored into the recovery time… We are all different and there is no way that a person can predict a time factor for the recovery of a wounded soul.

If a person is lucky to have the comfort of loved ones to lean on then boundaries and expectations of the recovery period may become broken due to the intensity felt by the person going through their traumatised moment… Patience, understanding and an unconditional ear are where a person should find themselves… It is with the hope that the traumatised soul does not mistreat the very strength that encircles it.


Written By
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day #56 – NaNoWriMo 2018

NaNo-2018-Winner-Facebook-Cover1.pngSo this November I took on the NaNoWriMo National Writing Month Challenge
http://nanowrimo.org

What Is The NaNoWriMo National Writing Month Challenge?
The NaNoWriMo Challenge is a month long commitment to writing 50,000 words in the 30 days of November. National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) is a fun, seat-of-your-pants approach to creative writing. On November 1, participants begin working towards the goal of writing a 50,000-word novel by 11:59 PM on November 30. Valuing enthusiasm, determination, and a deadline, NaNoWriMo is for anyone who has ever thought about writing a novel.

After thinking long and hard about my thoughts and what it was that I was going to write… I decided to use my writing month of November to write in a more open minded manner. I wrote for my daily blog at http://365daysomethings.wordpress.com & 750words.com also within my daily writing commitment at www.750words.com all whilst writing for my NaNoWriMo National Writing Month Challenge.

What Did I Write About In My 30 Days Of The NaNoWriMo National Writing Challenge?

Well I wrote endless blogging thoughts, posts and challenges, I wrote poetry & began the long journey of editing & rewriting some of my earlier writings (some years old). I have been thinking of compiling my written works and maybe self publishing in the near future… there are also a few thoughts of writing a book/novel in the near future…
(no real plans yet).

So How Did I Go?

The NaNoWriMo Challenge is 50,000 words in the 30 days of November
& my total word count was
79,948 words.
Long Hours & an accomplishment that I am very proud of.

Was I Rewarded For My Efforts?

Yes Of Course A Certificate Was Given, it’s a piece of paper that I am proud of… writing that many words in 3 days was an accomplishment.
nanowrimo_certificate2018.gif
2019 will see me undertaking the NaNoWriMo Challenge once again.


congrats.jpgThere is a person that I would love to thank for my November 2018’s NaNoWriMo Challenge & that is “Maggie McLeoad – “From Cave Walls” A fellow Author & a fellow  NaNoWriMo Challenge winner !!! Thankyou Maggie for your encouragement & continued support. Many Congratulations to you and your NaNoWriMo accomplishment of 59,583 words


Written & Referenced Where Applicable By
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day #51 – I Am Me! No Apologies This Is Who I Am

There are so many things that I could write about.. & there are even more things that I iamraw.gifcould write & tell you about myself… but my self-written following verse will help to sum me up !

We all have to dare to be ourselves;
No matter how frightening the fear of being so is.
Let Me Tell You About Myself…

There was a time when I cared for how others thought & perceived me…
I cared so deeply about the thoughts and thinking’s of others;
That I would question myself in the reflection of my mirrored self.
I used to think that the perception that others had of me was somewhat questionable,
I questioned their perception of me
I questioned people
And I questioned  them loudly
& I wondered if they had ever taken the time
To actually  see me for all of whom I am…

I may at times be raw & blunt
But I have learned to stand tall in the beam of light that is me…
Shinning outwards my strengths and commitment to staying true to;
Myself built moral and obligations that I hold myself to
I have had to learn that those who walk with me, walk with the greatest of intentions…
& that they walk with me; not because they can but because they wish to.

I have also had to learn that those who judge me and question my authentic self
Are well in their own right to have their own made up option &
But more importantly I have had to learn
That their actions & opinions shouldn’t matter to me.

I am raw,
& I stand in true conviction of myself…
I am the truest form of myself that I can be
For myself & for all that I believe in
I am true and today I write these words with no hesitation and no apologies.

noapologies.png


imageseyzur6ey.jpg

Within the words of the song This Is Me
By Keala Settle, The Greatest Showman Ensemble
Reference – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wEJd2RyGm8Q

“This Is Me”

I am not a stranger to the dark
Hide away, they say
‘Cause we don’t want your broken parts
I’ve learned to be ashamed of all my scars
Run away, they say
No one’ll love you as you are

But I won’t let them break me down to dust
I know that there’s a place for us
For we are glorious

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I’m meant to be, this is me
Look out ’cause here I come
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me

Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh

Another round of bullets hits my skin
Well, fire away ’cause today, I won’t let the shame sink in
We are bursting through the barricades and
Reaching for the sun (we are warriors)
Yeah, that’s what we’ve become (yeah, that’s what we’ve become)

I won’t let them break me down to dust
I know that there’s a place for us
For we are glorious

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I’m meant to be, this is me
Look out ’cause here I come
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me

Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh
This is me

and I know that I deserve your love
(Oh-oh-oh-oh) ’cause there’s nothing I’m not worthy of
(Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh)
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
This is brave, this is proof
This is who I’m meant to be, this is me

Look out ’cause here I come (look out ’cause here I come)
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum (marching on, marching, marching on)
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I’m gonna send a flood
Gonna drown them out
Oh
This is me


My Interpretation Of “This Is Me”

I’m not a stranger to the verbal words spoken behind my turned back
I see the finger-pointing
& I feel the stabbing pains that dig me deep within my heart
Pushing me to my breaking pointing
Expecting me to run
Run as far as it takes where no one can see me
All because they say its fun
To pull away at my inner workings
To see how I tick and toc

They want to see me hurt
They want to feel my need
All so that they can say that they were the ones who saved me!

I walk alone in my own stained glass tears
Pushing forward with all that wills me
Through the barricades of people who hold me back
& onto the footpath that I have built for me
And when the darted words make my life unbearable
I choose to walk tall vowing that my tears will never fall.

Silent moments and a flood of tears
Away from watching eyes and cheers of laughter
Silence becomes my comforter
As my legs raise me to where I am ok again.

I am not scared to have to have an opinion
& I am not scared to make it known
& whilst I certainly do not walk without fear
I am comforted by my guiding morals and values
I make no apologies,
I welcome my strength and know that this is who is me.
And when their words
Try to bend and break my resolve
I put on my brave face
& walk proudly on.

I am me
I am unique
I am the best me that I can be.
No hesitations
No apologies
& certainly no damn sorry’s
For I am being who it is that I was meant to be.

Written By
Tanya Kelly


I Have in myself the everything that I hoped that I would find in others; I am & have index275-300x202.jpgtrust in myself… I am resilient & self-reliant…

I am full of self-confidence, and I have grown inner self-worth… my independence is my strength… highly reliable and unwavering to the lessons that others try to pass at me.

I am the honesty and the warrior that I seek in others… I am me and I am raw…

I will forever stand in true conviction of myself…
I am the truest form of myself that I can be
For myself & for all that I believe in
I am true and today I write these words with no hesitation and no apologies.

trustinme.jpg

Today’s blog post is my 100th time over; written testament to me.
Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day #50 – ” It’s Not The Skills Or The Layers That You Have, Its The Attitude That You Have That Helps You To Survive “

kybillyToday’s daily blog post came to me late last night when I was watching a re-run episode of Naked & Afraid on tv.

The episode that I will be referencing is season 1 episode 6… a quote was said at the end of the show by one of the participants of the show (Ky Furneaux) after her and her partner (Billy Berger) successfully completed their 21 days in the Louisiana swamp.

Reference – https://two-movies.name/watch_episode/Naked_and_Afraid/1/6/

Billy Berger and Ky Furneaux are dropped in it up to their necks as they have to survive 21 days in the Louisiana swamp. They are washed out of their shelter by storms and have to tackle deadly snakes at every moment while avoiding the hungry alligators.

In the episode of naked and afraid… Billy spends his time in his shelter… having a hard time with the always wet and swamp conditions… Ky gets concerned about Billy’s state of mind when he talks about how the conditions of the camp are unfavourable and are making him miserable.

Billy says to Ky on day 14 that if he and Ky don’t find other accommodation that he cannot stay … Ky reluctantly says “w e started together we will finish together “ and agrees to find another place where they can build a camp for the last 7 days of their 21 days stay in the Louisiana swamp.

Even after packing up camp and trudging through the swamplands of Louisiana Billy continues to see the negative in the swamps lands… his demoralising attitude starts to wear Ky down & she begins to question if moving camp was the right decision… even when Ky spots land both her and Billy aren’t sure that what they see is land…

Ky keeps Billy level-headed and focused throughout their episode of naked and afraid…. she was determined that they as partners would conquer their 21-day challenge and that they would stay together… no tapping out!

At the end of Billy & Ky’s episode of naked and afraid Ky says the following quote “ we started together we will finish together “ Ky’s spoken quote got me thinking and gave me my ah ha moment to today’s daily blog post.

I know that she was talking about her strength and determination of keeping Billy billy2focused on conquering the Louisiana swamplands and his mindset that was forcing him to question himself and his mindset… but I feel Ky’s quote resonated with yesterdays daily submission titled “This Is Who I Am” – a daily submission where I talk about me and my inner self as if it was just as an onion is multi-layered and protective of its core.

I very much believe that she was talking about her determination to keep Billy from tapping out… using her inner strength to give Billy the perseverance to keep going… it was important to Ky to have her and Billy start and finish together in their Louisiana swamp challenge… Ky showed remarkable strength and aptitude in being the backbone that both she and Billy needed her to be in order for them to be at the finish line together.

As said by Ky….“It’s not the skills or the layers that you have, its the attitude that you have that helps you to survive”


In life there are so many hurdles and uneven terrains that work against us in our life’s journey… these hurdles and terrains ate ready to trip us up at any moment of our unpredictable journey through life.

Like I wrote in yesterdays daily writing “My outer self is a husk… the toughest part of me that I use in protecting my inner ingredients from being bruised or spoiled by the hurt and words of other peoples actions.

I also wrote in my yesterday ‘s daily writings a few words that came to through the song “This Is Who I Am by Vanessa Amorosi “ the following mantra that I stand tall too in my life “ In the strength of standing alone, I have given myself the permission that I need to be ok with who I am, unwavering in my convictions, my morals and my values.”


kynakednafraidI like Ky believe that it takes a lot of inner strength and unmatched attitude to get us through the toughest challenges of our days…. being able to pull ourselves out of the ungiving swamp pulling ourselves onto flat land where the sun is shining and trees give us the air that we require to breathe and to revive ourselves as well as the shelter we need to rest our weary bodies and minds at the base of their strength. Ky helped Billy to stay mentally and physically switch on and in the moment, helping him to get through each day as it came… giving him the ability to see the finish line at the end of their final 7days of their 21 Louisiana swamp challenge.

Throughout many occasions in my life, I have had to dig deep and push way past the point of my own giving up… I have also been challenged with the task of carrying people in the wake of my strength who have given into their own challenges.. they have been beaten down and lost their strength and motivation to keep moving forward…

Carrying oneself through the swamplands of life is a task that often leaves us wondering how and why we keep finding the extra mile that serves to keep us upright and pushing forward… but it takes a great sense of self to help another along the way.

People and their baggage is notoriously heavy and often a burden to the workload and strength of others, but when a person in need comes into a tide that they can no longer struggle against it is human nature, mateship, empowered and a strength that comes deep within ones core that finds that inner strength and moral backbone to help another who is in need.

Having a strong mindset and empowering strength that enables me to be able to help ky3others or to carry them through their toughest days are certainly not the easiest of human qualities to process…. putting other people and their needs above my own can at times leave me feeling empty of energy and at times I feel the ungrateful attitudes of others… its times like these that I wonder why I am like I am… why do I not just look after myself and my own self’s welfare…? Well, the best answer that I can muster up here is this… when I find myself trudging through the swamp… I am weighed down by the water and the unknown debris in the water… but if I was to turn and see another way behind me pushing hard to find the strength to take one more step… I know in my heart, mind and soul that I must turn back and lend my strength to them…

I see it this way… whilst I may be struggling to complete my journey, I still have reserved strength in me that allows me to turn and see another person struggling… so instead of wasting that energy in continually turning around to see the distance in our divide, I choose to turn that strength into a hand that I lend to others.


Recently in this being 2018, the Commonwealth Games were held in Queensland’s Gold Coast Australia… I was watching the Men’s gruelling 42.195km road race that was taking place in 30 degrees plus weather… I am not big on sports myself… but I like to watch the Commonwealth and Olympic Games on the tv.

I sat and questioned how the race was being allowed to continue in the Australian heat that was relentless in its heat.

Athletes train and give up on everything in their lives to participate as an athlete in competitive competitions at the Commonwealth and Olympic level…

I was watching as the road race was coming to an end… I saw many competitors end their own race with a did not finish rather than pushing on through the unbearable Australian heat.

Callum Hawkins.pngI watched as Scotland’s athlete Callum Hawkins struggled to keep himself hydrated, upright and pushing forward… his disorientation was very evident… you could see that he was stumbling to the finish line… and then he collapsed… showing much strength he picked himself up and stumbled on through his race… his strength was wavering and finally he collapsed and he was unable to right himself again… I watch and watched as I waited for someone to come to his aid (I know if I was on the roadside I would have jumped the barrier and handed him my water)…

I watched as I am sure thousands of people did as Aussie Michael Shelley came into view… and I prayed that he would do what Australians are known for doing “ Stand By Yah Mate”… I felt for him and the choice he was confronted with… he had run a race and came into second after the gruelling weather took runner after runner out of the race…

I felt for Michael Shelley….he had done his training, given up all to be there & now to think that he had to choose between “The Australian Mate Ship Way” & a Commonwealth Gold Medal… I watched as I saw him conflicting with his morals … I also encouraged him to know that he was almost home, in first place and the gold was his… keep going .. keep going… stop and carry that man to the finish line… share your empowerment share the finish line…

Michael Shelley slowed to make sure that Callum Hawkins was ok but chose to keep running… you could hear the negative comments breeding as I watch take back to the road.

shelby.jpgMichael Shelley is now known as a disgrace in the eyes of many people who feel that he left a Callum Hawkins crumpled on the road… but the truth be told… Michael had the right to finish and it should have been the support staff and the organisers of the race that should have cone to Callum Hawkins ‘s side and it should have also been then to encourage Michael Shelley to keep going.

I write about the Commonwealth Games running marathon – Callum Hawkins & Michael Shelley – in today’s daily post because I want to share what I would have done if I found myself in the same morally driven choice that Michael found himself in.

If I was in this moral dilemma… I know that I would have stopped… I would have done my utmost best to carry Callum to the finish line… I would certainly have been screaming for someone to come to lend a hand… I am a person who chooses to be the Australian Who Stands By Their Mate, Their Enemy, & Anyone In Need.”

Like I said throughout this written daily submission… having a strong mindset and empowering strength that enables me to be able to help others or to carry them through their toughest days are certainly not the easiest of human qualities to process…. putting other people and their needs above my own can at times leave me feeling empty… sometimes like Michael I am not the one who empty’s me…& it’s more often than not the people looking into my need to help others out that empty me with their words, opinions, criticisms and opinionated words as well as their ungiving hands that weigh me down; leaving me angry and empty.

I am by no means an athlete or deserving of a gold medal in a 42km plus road race… but I am a morally driven who has a great deal of self-integrity. I am a self-appointed giver to people who come into a time when they need someone to be there… to help them back onto their feet.. or to give them strength, a helping hand and empowerment to see the finish line in whatever they are doing.”

Michael did what he did to keep his own mental awareness with him… he stated in an interview “On the home straight, as you can see, I tried to accelerate but I was gone as well. I’m glad to finish, to be honest”…. he deserves his win… he deserved to finish the gruelling marathon… he deserves his accomplishment but he certainly doesn’t deserve to be the disgrace of the nation or the Commonwealth Games….. sheer willpower kept Michael upright… he pushed through his legs wanting to collapse… it could have very well of been him collapsed on the road. Michael isn’t the nation’s disgrace he is a winner of overwhelming willpower and self-empowerment.

Ky also gave Billie the same empowerment and together they both conquered their 21 days stay in the Louisiana swamp. Ky was a pillar of strength that saw her stand tall to her morals, and she believed in herself enough to carry both her and Billy to the Louisiana swamp… one person’s determination to help out her fellow man.

Empowerment and self sacrifice is what many humans do in order to help their fellow man out…. whether we help our friends out to cross the finish line, or stop running our race through life to check if our fellow man are ok… the spirit of a person’s empowerment and giving hand is always worn on the sleeves of the people that choose to help others out.

Today’s daily blog post was all about the human spirit and empowerment that we all own and possess… the lending a hand attitude to those in need.

So that’s my today’s daily blog post.

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day #49 – Layers Of Me

Today’s daily writing is yet another written pictured quote that reflects on me as a person… summing me and my inner character up in a few hundred words… revealing a little about me and the person that I am.

Over the past few months, there has been much revealed about me in my many written daily entries.

Over the years it has been told to me (just as much as it has been talked about) that I am a pretty closed book and keep things about my inner self away from the prying ears and thoughts of others. I have also been told that I choose when and who I want to open to, going onto say that even after I have opened up that no one person truly knows who I am. Yeah well maybe there is some truth in what is written here… but there is always a reason for why I choose there who and what; the answer is simply this… self protection is everything to me, allowing others know to much opens me up to vulnerability and open scrutinisation…. It is true that I choose to keep the deeper parts of myself away from the prying ears and hands of many who have walked through my inner vines.

I do accept that I am very restrictive in what I do and do not share about myself… but in defence of this acknowledgement, I am not restrictive and or secretive by choice… I do very much believe that I do give people the permission to get to know me .. but I feel that if they choose to stay at a distance or at a basic understanding level of who I am… then I will not roll out the red carpet to the inner self of who I am.


36EA2400-E888-4042-BAD8-67913DCF5B00
I do see myself as an onion in some ways… My comparison to an onion is this:-
onions.png
My out self is a husk… toughest part of me protecting my inner ingredients from being bruised or spoiled by the hurt and words of other peoples actions.

The layer of me below that husk is a base to every recipe within me, this layer is the staple to knowing me… it offers a glimpse of me just as an onion adds flavour to dishes it’s added to.

This layer protects my inner self.. my inner core and is impossible to get to without undoing all the layers that protect it… if a person was to stab me or cut into me with the pain and hurt… my inner core would be shown… my protector- my husk would spoil the chance to get to know me and I would immediately become spoiled, or un-wanting for you to get to know me.

If I deemed you and your friendship worthy…I would certainly allow you to see me for me… seeing how I work and function and maybe even see me cry… but it takes years or monstrous effort for a person to see the everything that I am… me in my completely open and raw state.

There are very few who have been privileged to know the real me… rawness, flaws, uncovered, unprotected … me for all that I am.

For someone to truly penetrate my inner core… I spend days, weeks, months, years watching every reaction to every moment we share… seeking a fault line in the thing one hates in me… tempting fate with tests of your commitment to keeping yourself at my side… testing trust and sincerity in every word, action and glance that you make.

Once I am hurt or cute beyond repair… aquatinted once friends is the very least that one can expect… but once the hurt goes beyond pushing me to the floor … I always shut down and never again open my doors.

Sometimes a small flinch from another is all it takes for me to shut down… at other times; I try hard to hold on and put value in what myself and the person once had… choosing to stand and fight for the strength to reach out and reconnect… this level of my inner forgiveness seldom happens… but it certainly only happens once. I never forgive again beyond this point.


The song that sums up today’s  daily blog post is “This Is Who I Am – By Vanessa Amorosi. Watch the “This Is Who I am”  Video Clip Here
“This Is Who I Am”

I spend my life, trying to do things right
but all I do is fall to my face with my hands on my head so many times
but then I learnt, after being burnt
to get back up and push straight on
stop the tears people move on, on

Well it’s alright to be myself
now I’ve learnt to stand
well it’s ok to be just who I am
I spent years really hating me
longing to be friends, now I hope that you can understand
This is who I am

Now when life gets tough
I’m quick to hurry up
I run all day, I run through the night
I break down walls, I hit up high
I don’t care if I’m fat, or if you think my clothes are bad
‘cos I can go to sleep at night, I’m a good person and I’ll get by

Well It’s alright to be myself
now I’ve learnt to stand
well it’s ok to be just who I am
I spent years really hating me
longing to be friends, now I hope that you can understand
This is who I am

Are you someone, are you someone, are you someone, someone like me
you deserve, you deserve, you deserve to be free
cause the world will keep spinning, and you’ll be trapped in it

Well it’s alright to be myself
now I’ve learnt to stand
well it’s ok to be just who I am
I’ve spent years really hating me
longing to be friends, now I hope that you can understand
This is who I am


Like Vanessa’s lyrics, I too have spent my life, trying to do things right… taking much on myself.. failing the wants of others… putting my hands on my head so many times… I have learned the hard way & I have been burned too many times to remember….. but I always get back up … dusting myself off and pushing on … being the giving person who is me… resetting myself up .. with no time for tears… walking, stumbling and continue along my hard trekked road.

I have had to learn to be my own backbone

And I have certainly learned what standing alone feels like… learning the lesson many times over & the hard way.

In the strength of standing alone, I have given myself the permission that I need to be ok with who I am, unwavering in my convictions, my morals and my values.

In traveling through my life’s journey I haven’t always seen myself the way that I do today… not necessarily hating myself for my inner strength but certainly not understanding why it is that I did have to become so mentally strong… when it would have been so much easier to throw myself at the floor and scream what did I do? Why me…? What about me?

Longing for friendship with forever connectedness … and an undying unconditional acceptance is where I have forever found myself… I offer this to people who come through my onion gauntlet… undying & unconditional acceptance is the gifts of me that I bring to the table.

Once I have built this connection with another the bond becomes strong and unable to be entered by others… I take my friendships seriously and see them as I do the blood onion2.jpgpumping through my veins… my oxygen driving force.. my lifeline… the ingredient that makes me me – not trapped by my arms wrapped tightly around our friendship.. but impregnated into the everything that I am.

I have learned to accept myself for my onion layers and my brutal strength… I make no apologies… for I am happy with who I am… I don’t ask others to understand me, I prefer that others do nothing more than to understand that we all have ingredients floating within us that come to make us us… I don’t expect them to be anything other than who they are so my only ask of them is that they accept that I am who I am… that they are are who they are… that we are each perfectly imperfect to us.

So there is my daily blog… an insight to me and how I see myself.

Till Tomorrow
Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com

Day #46 – Self Acceptance

DFBD524C-C7DD-45D3-A024-F9C9F28A0A56.jpeg

Self Acceptance Has Never Been My Strong Point, but I am working hard on being the acceptance model of myself that I feel we should all have for each other.

Acceptance doesn’t mean agreeing with the events & happenings of  another persons life or even being happy with the way of that they do things… Acceptance means that we can see what makes us different and expect no other to live up to the expectations And or norms that society places on us; accepting that we all have our individuality and that we cannot be moulded into perfect society driven cut outs.

Today I accept my differences and accept that letting go of my own self’s morals, values and beliefs would have me not believing in myself and the path that I have built for myself.

I have learned in my years of growing into my adult years that I am a work person n progress & that no matter how old I get thst I am not in control of the perceptions thst others have of me. Learning the hard way that the only things that I am in control of are my actions & beliefs in my here and now….. so i figured that whilst I have no power to change the worlds people and it’s beliefs that it’s people possess… I can indeed work at my own level of self acceptance…. Roam wasn’t built in a day & neither was I but at the speed of 1 day at a time I can learn to be my own best friend & the self acceptance in me that I am looking for in the eyes of others.

So today’s pictured quote writes…

“Go Easy On Yourself. Whatever you do today; let it be enough.”

So whilst I am in the process of going easier on myself; I am working on the self acceptance  of me and for me as well as for the person and I am… putting the expectations of others in the path the trudged through in my yesterdays unworthiness…. today I am owning it & I am saying it out loud …

“Today I Am In My Own Right Self Enough.”

Signed
Author. Tanya Kelly
365daysomethings.wordpress.com